For Miss Tanya Dashwood.
Thank you for getting through to me when no one else could, thank you for refusing to give up on me even when I gave up on myself, Thank you for never losing sight of who I am, Thank you for accepting me at both my best and worst, Thank you for showing me everything you are and allowing me to do so in return, Thank you for not judging me by circumstances, Thank you for accepting who I am and who I was, Thank you for making me laugh every day when for the most part all I’ve wanted to do was cry, Thank you for all you stand for and for refusing to change your values for anyone, Thank you for showing me what I’m worth, Thank you for not letting this define me, Thank you for showing me that there is so much more to life, Thank you for never doubting me, Thank you for giving me something to believe in, Thank you for hearing me when no one else does, Thank you for never giving up trying, Thank you for changing my cant’s into can’s and my won’ts into will’s, Thank you for never condemning me for my mistakes and failures, Thank you for sharing my victories with me, Thank you for never underestimating me, Thank you for proving me wrong, Thank you for showing me hope amid the darkness, Thank you for being one of the biggest entities in my life, Thank you for all that you’ve done for me and all that you continue to do for me, Thank you for giving me a sense of meaning, Thank you for being amazing beyond comprehension, Thank you for showing me that you can never set your aspirations too high, Thank you for loving me for both my strengths and weakness, Thank you for being all that you are, Thank you for inspiring me a little more every day. Thank you for being one of the most incredible people I will ever meet in my life.
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Monday, 22 August 2011
22/8/2011
So I temporarily deactivated my other facebook, to be honest, I’m not all too sure why; I guess dealing with people got too much, and frankly I’d rather be alone to focus on my eating disorder. It’s so much easier when no one cares. Too easy. I don’t deserve to talk to people, I’m not worth their words, and the more I talk to people, the more I come to realise that no one gets it. People say they do, when they quite clearly don’t. I'm fed up of people fucking assuming things,and saying they understand. Nothing about an eating disorder is textbook.
The thing that distinguishes e.d's from other addictions is that you're addicted to not having what you need to be able be able to function at a maintenance level. Either way, you're obsessed with food, and either way, it wins. It's a paradox, you don't eat, you're obsessed with food, you eat- you're obsessed with food. there is never an inbetween. There is never a balance.
The other night I lay in bed fantasising (is that even the right word in this context?!) about being mauled by dogs and seeing my flesh being ripped away from the bone. Maybe then, and only then, I’d be thin enough. This is the type of shit that keeps me awake at night. and yes, this is pretty much exactly what I'm thinking every time I go silent in lectures and 'stand' on the tip of my toes because I can't face seeing the way my fat splays.Not that it matters anyway.
I start my second year of college in September that is, assuming I’ve passed the first year. I’m not really sure how I’ll deal with it, it pretty much drove me to the edge last year and I know that this year is going to be a lot more testing. I don’t even want to go back. Well I say I, I don’t even know what is me and what’s the disorder anymore, that is, if any of me is left. All I know is that my motive to go back is so that I can avoid eating. Although college will be hard, it will make things so much easier for my eating disorder. No one even cares at college; no one even notices that I have never had a full lunch. No one cares because they can't see a physical manifestation.
I don't even know how to explain how I feel; in fact, there is no way. I know I've gained, I can feel it. I hate it when people ask how you can just ‘know’, trust me, when you have an eating disorder, you just fucking know. I feel like I've lost all self control and that I deserve to die. Every morning when I wake up, it's there. All fucking day. and it doesn't leave.It won't ever leave.
The thing that distinguishes e.d's from other addictions is that you're addicted to not having what you need to be able be able to function at a maintenance level. Either way, you're obsessed with food, and either way, it wins. It's a paradox, you don't eat, you're obsessed with food, you eat- you're obsessed with food. there is never an inbetween. There is never a balance.
The other night I lay in bed fantasising (is that even the right word in this context?!) about being mauled by dogs and seeing my flesh being ripped away from the bone. Maybe then, and only then, I’d be thin enough. This is the type of shit that keeps me awake at night. and yes, this is pretty much exactly what I'm thinking every time I go silent in lectures and 'stand' on the tip of my toes because I can't face seeing the way my fat splays.
I start my second year of college in September that is, assuming I’ve passed the first year. I’m not really sure how I’ll deal with it, it pretty much drove me to the edge last year and I know that this year is going to be a lot more testing. I don’t even want to go back. Well I say I, I don’t even know what is me and what’s the disorder anymore, that is, if any of me is left. All I know is that my motive to go back is so that I can avoid eating. Although college will be hard, it will make things so much easier for my eating disorder. No one even cares at college; no one even notices that I have never had a full lunch. No one cares because they can't see a physical manifestation.
I don't even know how to explain how I feel; in fact, there is no way. I know I've gained, I can feel it. I hate it when people ask how you can just ‘know’, trust me, when you have an eating disorder, you just fucking know. I feel like I've lost all self control and that I deserve to die. Every morning when I wake up, it's there. All fucking day. and it doesn't leave.
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