22/8/2011

So I temporarily deactivated my other facebook, to be honest, I’m not all too sure why; I guess dealing with people got too much, and frankly I’d rather be alone to focus on my eating disorder. It’s so much easier when no one cares. Too easy. I don’t deserve to talk to people, I’m not worth their words, and the more I talk to people, the more I come to realise that no one gets it. People say they do, when they quite clearly don’t. I'm fed up of people fucking assuming things,and saying they understand. Nothing about an eating disorder is textbook.

The thing that distinguishes e.d's from other addictions is that you're addicted to not having what you need to be able be able to function at a maintenance level. Either way, you're obsessed with food, and either way, it wins. It's a paradox, you don't eat, you're obsessed with food, you eat- you're obsessed with food. there is never an inbetween. There is never a balance.

The other night I lay in bed fantasising (is that even the right word in this context?!) about being mauled by dogs and seeing my flesh being ripped away from the bone. Maybe then, and only then, I’d be thin enough. This is the type of shit that keeps me awake at night. and yes, this is pretty much exactly what I'm thinking every time I go silent in lectures and 'stand' on the tip of my toes because I can't face seeing the way my fat splays.Not that it matters anyway.

I start my second year of college in September that is, assuming I’ve passed the first year. I’m not really sure how I’ll deal with it, it pretty much drove me to the edge last year and I know that this year is going to be a lot more testing. I don’t even want to go back. Well I say I, I don’t even know what is me and what’s the disorder anymore, that is, if any of me is left. All I know is that my motive to go back is so that I can avoid eating. Although college will be hard, it will make things so much easier for my eating disorder. No one even cares at college; no one even notices that I have never had a full lunch. No one cares because they can't see a physical manifestation.

I don't even know how to explain how I feel; in fact, there is no way. I know I've gained, I can feel it. I hate it when people ask how you can just ‘know’, trust me, when you have an eating disorder, you just fucking know. I feel like I've lost all self control and that I deserve to die. Every morning when I wake up, it's there. All fucking day. and it doesn't leave. It won't ever leave.