27/9/2011

So I'm back at college now; I'm only in three days a week, so that's something I suppose. I imagine assignments will be starting either this week or the next, and I know I won't be able to get into it, I'm worried about fucking up time management and over complicating things for myself. We haven't even started proper lectures yet and I'm already starting to bend under the stress of it all, well, I say stress, there's nothing actually going on to trigger stress at the moment, so I dread to think how the rest of the year is going to pan out. I really don't know why I went back. I feel as if everyone's staring at me all of the time, and I just want to dissapear. I purged coke at a party on Saturday and spent a good few hours sat in the dark shivering,and on Sunday I chewed and spat mini chocolate brownie squares. I am disgusting. Today I managed to convince my parents I ate a whole quiche, when really it was in my pocket and sleeves, this was whilst my mum was sat two seats away from me. I don't know how she didn't notice, all I know is I'm glad she didn't. Even water seems too much; I can just feel it sitting there, mounting up, getting heavier and heavier like I'm drowning from the inside out. I feel so needy all of the time. I deserve nothing. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, I'm too afraid; afraid they'll make assumptions that are correct but I'll always deny. I'm not losing, only gaining. I swear I'm going to be stuck at this weight forever, maybe I deserve to be fat, to wear my failure. I feel like in the years this has been with me, I have lost everything except weight. Every time I stand up I get the light-headedness that I crave, but it's never satisfying enough, I need to faint to know I'm suceeding. I just want my internal organs to give out one by one; to know that every breath I take, every day I make it through, I become a little more lifeless; to feel that final murmur, and finally taste sucess.

16/9/2011

I don't feel hollow. I don't feel like a void that needs to be filled. That's gone. I feel nothing. I'm just a person with thoughts and actions, but no feelings. Nothing I do seems as if it will have an affect or any larger impact on my life. I can't think as far forward as tomorrow, let alone about what I want in the grand scheme of things. I know that applies to so many people, but i just can't think that far forward and I don't want to. I can't think about one minute from the next, but at the same time I'm not spontenous. I don't know what I am. I don't feel dead inside. I don't feel alive either. I don't feel stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks that sometimes the only reason I face my fears is because somewhere in my mind I think that if the worst does happen, it wont be happening to me. I don't even feel like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I don't feel like i'm experiencing it either. I want to go. But I know that won't change anything, because I'm sure it would pretty much by the same as how i feel, or more to the point, don't feel, now. When you think like this, you don't know how to explain it to anyone, as far as you're concerned, there is nothing to explain. How could you even attempt to get help if you have nothing to talk about? Literally, nothing. Because there are no feelings and no situations. everything seems so irrelavant. I'm doing things I wouldn't normally, acting in ways I wouldn't usually- and I have no idea why. I know this isn't me, but at the same time, I don't know what is me. There is no longer a line dividing where the eating disorder finishes and I begin. I am it and it is me. I want to eat nothing and everything all at the same time. I can't say I can't deal with life, because there's nothing to deal with. I just want to feel whole. Not whole again, because the word again suggests reverting back to a previous or original state. I just want so much more than this. I don't feel like a work in progress as there will never be a culmination. There's an emptiness inside my head, not even that achey emptiness that you can almost feel it's presense, or rather, abscence. There's no longer that straining for thoughts, I know not to bother. I don't even seem to be responding to things; I'm so emotionless and expressionless. There is so much stimuli, and probably so much going on around me, but i can't feel it, I can't see it. I just can't. and I don't know why.

8/9/2011

I’m not really sure why I’m writing a post, because as usual, I have very little to say. Well, it’s not that I have a lack of anything to say, it’s that I have a lack of ability to express it.

So the summer holidays are approaching an end and due to not being kept occupied with college work and such, I have had time to reflect on things:

I really wish I had something to show for this summer; I wish I’d lost weight , but i’ve fucking gained. I am terrified to go back to college. I’m scared shitless about seeing everyone again and having to face everyone again knowing that I’ve gained, I’m worried it’s going to go even more tits up than last year; that everyone will settle back down into it and no matter how hard I try to keep up, I just won’t be able to. I am having a hard time trying to convince myself I care, but a larger part of me is so scared of failing and will do anything to avoid it. It’s obvious to anyone I have lost all clarity in my writing and can no longer articulate things as I used to.

All I want to do is binge, purge and fast. I can feel any remnants of sanity crumbling and I’m pretty sure that if I buckle and fold, I’ll stay there, permanently on my knees. And I won’t even make an attempt to get up. The fact is, no one really gives a shit; no one thinks I’ll get to my goal weight. But it’s long past the point whereby it is solely about losing weight as a means of control, it is a means of control in itself, and losing weight would just be a bonus.

I don’t care if I’m risking my future, my health, my friendships, whatever, for this. I don’t care who I make hate me in the process; I don't care if I lose everyone and isolate myself completely, infact, it would help.

I hate what this makes me, but I need this so fucking badly.

I am too much.

I need you to know that we'll be okay, together we'll make it through another day.

For Miss Tanya Dashwood.
Thank you for getting through to me when no one else could, thank you for refusing to give up on me even when I gave up on myself, Thank you for never losing sight of who I am, Thank you for accepting me at both my best and worst, Thank you for showing me everything you are and allowing me to do so in return, Thank you for not judging me by circumstances, Thank you for accepting who I am and who I was, Thank you for making me laugh every day when for the most part all I’ve wanted to do was cry, Thank you for all you stand for and for refusing to change your values for anyone, Thank you for showing me what I’m worth, Thank you for not letting this define me, Thank you for showing me that there is so much more to life, Thank you for never doubting me, Thank you for giving me something to believe in, Thank you for hearing me when no one else does, Thank you for never giving up trying, Thank you for changing my cant’s into can’s and my won’ts into will’s, Thank you for never condemning me for my mistakes and failures, Thank you for sharing my victories with me, Thank you for never underestimating me, Thank you for proving me wrong, Thank you for showing me hope amid the darkness, Thank you for being one of the biggest entities in my life, Thank you for all that you’ve done for me and all that you continue to do for me, Thank you for giving me a sense of meaning, Thank you for being amazing beyond comprehension, Thank you for showing me that you can never set your aspirations too high, Thank you for loving me for both my strengths and weakness, Thank you for being all that you are, Thank you for inspiring me a little more every day. Thank you for being one of the most incredible people I will ever meet in my life.

22/8/2011

So I temporarily deactivated my other facebook, to be honest, I’m not all too sure why; I guess dealing with people got too much, and frankly I’d rather be alone to focus on my eating disorder. It’s so much easier when no one cares. Too easy. I don’t deserve to talk to people, I’m not worth their words, and the more I talk to people, the more I come to realise that no one gets it. People say they do, when they quite clearly don’t. I'm fed up of people fucking assuming things,and saying they understand. Nothing about an eating disorder is textbook.

The thing that distinguishes e.d's from other addictions is that you're addicted to not having what you need to be able be able to function at a maintenance level. Either way, you're obsessed with food, and either way, it wins. It's a paradox, you don't eat, you're obsessed with food, you eat- you're obsessed with food. there is never an inbetween. There is never a balance.

The other night I lay in bed fantasising (is that even the right word in this context?!) about being mauled by dogs and seeing my flesh being ripped away from the bone. Maybe then, and only then, I’d be thin enough. This is the type of shit that keeps me awake at night. and yes, this is pretty much exactly what I'm thinking every time I go silent in lectures and 'stand' on the tip of my toes because I can't face seeing the way my fat splays.Not that it matters anyway.

I start my second year of college in September that is, assuming I’ve passed the first year. I’m not really sure how I’ll deal with it, it pretty much drove me to the edge last year and I know that this year is going to be a lot more testing. I don’t even want to go back. Well I say I, I don’t even know what is me and what’s the disorder anymore, that is, if any of me is left. All I know is that my motive to go back is so that I can avoid eating. Although college will be hard, it will make things so much easier for my eating disorder. No one even cares at college; no one even notices that I have never had a full lunch. No one cares because they can't see a physical manifestation.

I don't even know how to explain how I feel; in fact, there is no way. I know I've gained, I can feel it. I hate it when people ask how you can just ‘know’, trust me, when you have an eating disorder, you just fucking know. I feel like I've lost all self control and that I deserve to die. Every morning when I wake up, it's there. All fucking day. and it doesn't leave. It won't ever leave.

27/7/2011

I can no longer relate to anything in the way I once did. And I wish I could. But nothing good ever came from wishing.

This feeling is virtually impossible to explain, in fact, for the most part, it isn’t even a feeling at all. It’s like a half existence; you feel completely removed from yourself and like whatever is happening isn’t happening to you, it’s like I’m living someone else’s life and only having thoughts, not feelings. I don’t even feel hollow or numb, that doesn’t even begin to describe it. I literally feel nothing. Nothing at all.

I have so much to say, but no longer the words to say it.

Although I've said too much, I haven't said enough.

I don't know what's keeping me here anymore.
I know what you're thinking; 'Well if you're still here, then obviously something is keeping you here, you've just got to find it', but the reality is, I don't feel I deserve to live or die; I feel as if I deserve to be stuck in the middle, never fully living, never having the freedom of dying either, to just exist.

Breathing hurts, talking hurts. Words are escaping me and nothing bears any meaning anymore. I just want to go.

'Well liars they leave a guilty trail, and let me tell you something- I've been lying for fucking years.'

18/4/2011

So I'm having my doubts about college again; doubts about the one thing I have actually wanted for the best part of four or five years and had the motivation to get myself into a position to be able to get myself there.

I guess I feel that because of the course I'm taking (Extended Diploma in Horse Management, for those that didn't know) everything's so final, that after this, that's it. I just feel like I'm limiting myself to something that ultimately, I may not want to do. Sometimes I think that maybe I should be doing something more conventional, more academic, because that's always been used to deter me.

To be honest, noone really wanted me to do this from the beginning; noone thought that me, the Dyspraxic of the family, should go into such a manual labour based industry. My mum had always told me I'd never be able to ride, and when I did pass my riding asessment she said she didn't think I'd pass it; I think that's the first time my determination ever showed through, the first time I said 'You know what, maybe people don't think I should be doing this, maybe people don't think I can do it- but you know what?, I'm sure as hell going to prove them wrong.'.

But now, my hearts just not in it. I've lost my drive. Once upon a time there was so much I wanted from life, all most too much for the time that I'll probably get,and I suppose I worry that one day, if I want that again, then I won't be in a position to go after it all. I guess I'm an all or nothing person.

I just don't know what I want anymore, infact- I don't think I want anything. Prehaps I do, but I just can't see it at the moment because I'm too blinded by everything else.

So earlier this evening I was talking to a friend of mine and weight & exercise came into the conversation, and totally without thinking I said quite possibly one of the most stupid things you could possibly say to someone, I had basically quoted a pro- ED affirmation. I'm fully aware of how it comes across and I think this may be the first time that the inner voice has actually outwardly expressed itself, and frankly- that scares the shit out of me. I'm fully aware of how it comes across and I think this may be the first time that the inner voice has actually outwardly expressed itself, and frankly- that scares the shit out of me. I don't want for my thoughts to influence others, so I'm going to have to work on censoring them.

Talking of things that scare the shit out of me, it's Easter next Sunday. In my house-hold we do an egg-hunt in the morning and divide them equally between the six of us, and then after that we're responsible for choosing what we do with them.And that's what scares me, that if I get hungry- food's there. I'm scared of what will happen if I lose control.

I have to be strong.

Mind over matter.

13/2/2011

Today words mean nothing.
I feel as if my heart is being ripped from my chest and as if my wind-pipe is narrowing and I'm choking on every breath I take. I don't want to be here anymore.
Even the most basic of tasks are proving too much, but in some respects they're easier than ever, because they seem subconcious.

Tomorrow I'll pretend to be okay, not even intentionally; I just have some preoccupation with maintaining a strong deamour to the extent that I no longer have to try. Sometimes I think I must be so see through, but still noone seems to notice. It's fine, I don't want them to.

I've got a back-log of work from November; I know I should be doing it now instead of complaining about it and blogging, but honestly, I am finding it incredibly hard to care. I have wanted this for the past four years, yet now it's become a possibility, I just don't want it. Infact, it's not that I don't want it- I want to want this. I really do. But I can't.

I don't intentionally leave work till the last minute; I'll meticulously plan for weeks on end until I have established the content and the structure I want to run with, but when it comes to writing, I just can't do it. It's like I know what to do and how to do it, but I physically can't. And I wish I could.

Today, I am so ready to give it all up.

100 secrets- work in progress

1) Spontaneity scares me.
2) I hate praise.
3) I give critism more easily than I take it.
4) I feel vulnerable all the time and have a fear of going out.
5) I'll do almost anything to avoid social situations.
6) My grandad is the only relation I look up to and has made me feel worth something.
7) Sometimes I can't read my own writing.
8) Words mean more to me than actions.
9) I find it hard to tell when people are joking.
10) I worry about my little brother all the time he's at school.
11) I find it hard to adjust to change.
12) Although I ride horses, I am terrified of falling off.
13) There is noone who I trust completly.
14) I avoid taking risks.
15)I try and avoid confrontation, but it doesn't scare me.
16) I've always hated numbers, but they've taught me my value.
17) I find it difficult to make decisions, no matter how mundane.
18) What people percieve to be the most trivial matters are the ones that matter most to me.
19) I don't forgive people easily.
20) Marketing and horses are the only two things I have had a countinued passion for.
21) I get my mum to buy me celery to make me feel she's supporting me with my eating disorder.
22)I can relate business terms and concepts to life in a philoshophical way.
23) Although she's a horse, Biscuit has possibly played one of the most significant roles in my life.
24) Because of my Dyspraxia I feel like my mind and body work completly independently.
25) I've always thought I shouldn't achieve high grades because my sister is more academic than me, and it will only increase the expectations people have for her- and I don't want her to have to deal with that pressure.
26) I've wanted to go into equine behaviour for the past four years, but I don't agree with the techniques used by the more appraised N.H practioners (such as Pat and Linda Parelli & Monty Roberts).
27) I am an Atheist, but sometimes I wish I believed there is a God so I'd have faith in something when I was doubting everything else.
28) I do not feel as if I have achieved anything in my life.
29) People percieve me as being an organised person who has everything under control, they couldn't be further from the truth.
30) I was stillborn and resasitated; everyday I wonder if there was a reason I survived.
31) I feel closer to my best friends mum than I do my own.
32) I find great satisfaction in people making mistakes. I hate myself for this.
33) I was once told to write a list of things that made me happy, it only had three things on it and it took me about two hours and fifteen minutes.
34) If I stare at my reflection for long enough, I can convince myself I don't exist and find great contentment in doing so.
35) I have lost hope in ever being genuinely optimistic again.
36) I have never felt pretty.
37) I would hate to be close to my parents.
38) I have made attempts on my sisters life; two of which resulted in medical complications.
39) I have two facebook's; one where I have to pretend to be okay, and the other where I don't have to.
40) I've always said I would never talk to random people on the internet, truth is, I feel some of them understand me better than those who 'know' me in person.
41)Loosing my closest friends was the best and worst thing that's happened to me.
42) I spend a lot of time advocating recovery, when really I'm not sure if I want it and regularly look at thinspiration.
43) Sometimes I pretend not to take hints because I don't want to seem presumptuous.
44) I have an incredibly analytical mind-set.
45) I am very concise in both my writing and my speech.
46)I hate having my photo taken, but I'm scared that will mean when I'm older I'll have nothing to remember the past by.
47) I can stare at myself in the mirror for hours on end, it's not vanity; I sit there and critise every aspect of my being.
48) I don't believe I'd ever felt any kind of love for someone until I met my brother Oli.
49) I'd rather be thin than alive.
50) It annoys me that my sister wears make-up because she's so pretty anyway, and I'm not, yet I don't bother.
51)I want to be so ill I have to be put on a feeding tube.
52) It was my fault I was sexually assualted.
53) If my mum read my blog, she might finally realise I need help.
54) I bite myself and pull my hair when I get angry.
55) I'm scared that I'll end up being like my mum.
56) I don't understand why my mum and dad are together. Sometimes I'm not sure that they do either.
57) I am scared of moths and butterflies.
58) I once cried because I wanted a digestive biscuit so badly.
59) Everytime a train goes past, I get the immense urge to throw myself under it.
60)My parents tell me I have no grasp on the concept of the worth of money, truth is- I don't because I don't think money is important.
61) I can't imagine my brother, Oli, grown up.
62) I don't feel I deserve to live. I don't feel I deserve the freedom of dying either.
63) Sometimes, I need people to see through my lies.
64) I'm too proud to accept help.
65) When I see people eat, I think they're weak.
66) I don't feel like myself when I wear make-up.
67) I find little value in tangiable things.
68) I didn't learn to ride a bike without stablisers until the age of 14.
69) I button things from the bottom upwards because it makes me less likely to do it wrong (Dyspraxia related).
70)I have always quite liked the idea of being either a glamour or underwear model.
71) I think I might be a compulsive hoarder.
72) Loading/unloading the dishwasher is prehaps one of the most emotionally and mentally testing household chores you could ask me to do.
73) I don't feel capable of anything.
74) I see optimism as cliche.
75) The optimism of others intimidates me.
76) Breaking rules terrifies me.

17/1/2011

So lately it seems my insanity is becoming all too much to bare; that every day is one of 'those' days. I'm not sure I believe in anything I feel anymore, because its become so hard to tell what's real and what's just a figurement of my imagination.

Slowly I'm loosing all concept of right or reason, and this time I don't think I'm going to get it back. I've lost the will to lose.

On the plus side, at college I had a jump lesson today on a horse that prior to the lesson, practically pinned me to the wall and repetivley attempted to kick me, whom I am not that confident on due to my inability to handle his 'quirks'. Anyhow, so today we were doing grid work which is basically a series of jumps with only short strides inbetween so you have to sit up and be ready to take off again quite quickly, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't bricking it- because I am prehaps the most unbalanced person this side of the hemisphere,Oscar has a pretty early take off and I had never been over jumps of that height before. Never a good combination.

So there I am on Oscar with this grid in front of me feeling very aprehensive about going over it, to the point I nearly cried; but that's when I realised, when we don't face something, we reinforce our fear of it. So I went over it once and was going to leave it at that, and instead of saying no when my instructor asked if I wanted to go again, I said 'Not really, but I will'

Enough of my aimless rambling, tomorrow is another day.
So this was the jump I was scared about doing...

and this is just a small cross pole, so small infact it looks like the poles are touching the floor :L