27/9/2011

So I'm back at college now; I'm only in three days a week, so that's something I suppose. I imagine assignments will be starting either this week or the next, and I know I won't be able to get into it, I'm worried about fucking up time management and over complicating things for myself. We haven't even started proper lectures yet and I'm already starting to bend under the stress of it all, well, I say stress, there's nothing actually going on to trigger stress at the moment, so I dread to think how the rest of the year is going to pan out. I really don't know why I went back. I feel as if everyone's staring at me all of the time, and I just want to dissapear. I purged coke at a party on Saturday and spent a good few hours sat in the dark shivering,and on Sunday I chewed and spat mini chocolate brownie squares. I am disgusting. Today I managed to convince my parents I ate a whole quiche, when really it was in my pocket and sleeves, this was whilst my mum was sat two seats away from me. I don't know how she didn't notice, all I know is I'm glad she didn't. Even water seems too much; I can just feel it sitting there, mounting up, getting heavier and heavier like I'm drowning from the inside out. I feel so needy all of the time. I deserve nothing. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, I'm too afraid; afraid they'll make assumptions that are correct but I'll always deny. I'm not losing, only gaining. I swear I'm going to be stuck at this weight forever, maybe I deserve to be fat, to wear my failure. I feel like in the years this has been with me, I have lost everything except weight. Every time I stand up I get the light-headedness that I crave, but it's never satisfying enough, I need to faint to know I'm suceeding. I just want my internal organs to give out one by one; to know that every breath I take, every day I make it through, I become a little more lifeless; to feel that final murmur, and finally taste sucess.