16/9/2011

I don't feel hollow. I don't feel like a void that needs to be filled. That's gone. I feel nothing. I'm just a person with thoughts and actions, but no feelings. Nothing I do seems as if it will have an affect or any larger impact on my life. I can't think as far forward as tomorrow, let alone about what I want in the grand scheme of things. I know that applies to so many people, but i just can't think that far forward and I don't want to. I can't think about one minute from the next, but at the same time I'm not spontenous. I don't know what I am. I don't feel dead inside. I don't feel alive either. I don't feel stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks that sometimes the only reason I face my fears is because somewhere in my mind I think that if the worst does happen, it wont be happening to me. I don't even feel like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I don't feel like i'm experiencing it either. I want to go. But I know that won't change anything, because I'm sure it would pretty much by the same as how i feel, or more to the point, don't feel, now. When you think like this, you don't know how to explain it to anyone, as far as you're concerned, there is nothing to explain. How could you even attempt to get help if you have nothing to talk about? Literally, nothing. Because there are no feelings and no situations. everything seems so irrelavant. I'm doing things I wouldn't normally, acting in ways I wouldn't usually- and I have no idea why. I know this isn't me, but at the same time, I don't know what is me. There is no longer a line dividing where the eating disorder finishes and I begin. I am it and it is me. I want to eat nothing and everything all at the same time. I can't say I can't deal with life, because there's nothing to deal with. I just want to feel whole. Not whole again, because the word again suggests reverting back to a previous or original state. I just want so much more than this. I don't feel like a work in progress as there will never be a culmination. There's an emptiness inside my head, not even that achey emptiness that you can almost feel it's presense, or rather, abscence. There's no longer that straining for thoughts, I know not to bother. I don't even seem to be responding to things; I'm so emotionless and expressionless. There is so much stimuli, and probably so much going on around me, but i can't feel it, I can't see it. I just can't. and I don't know why.