Dear Ryan,

There isn’t really a definitive starting point to this, but I guess it doesn’t really matter where I start, because this would still say the same thing anyway; I could start anywhere and the meaning wouldn’t change.

I have never trusted anyone as fully, or as quickly as I have come to trust you. When I told you about my past, for the first time, I didn’t feel like a burden and I felt able to talk about everything at its fullest extent without fear of judgement. The fact that your view of me didn’t change astounded me; you told me that you’d always be there for me, and I believed you, but it wasn’t till I had my health complications back in October that you really gave me a reason to. You were the only person who wasn’t scared for me and let me know they would be there no matter what happened as a result, and you have no idea how much that meant, and still means, to me.

Not only have you given me a reason to be happy, but you’ve taught me to find happiness in everything no matter how mundane it may seem, because you never know how fleeting that happiness may be. When I’m with you, whatever stresses or struggles that have occurred in the day, mean nothing, just being with you makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive, and the fact that I have you will always outweigh whatever else is going on. On days when life seems too much, it is the thought of you and your belief in me that gets me through, and in moments of fear, it is my love for you that helps me face them. I wear the necklace you got my everyday as it serves as a reminder of you, and when I look at it, I feel less alone.

I feel so safe when I’m with you and the fact that my main compulsions are dormant when I’m with you is testament to this. I feel so comfortable around you; from wearing my jeans tucked into my socks, to walking round with a towel turban on my head, to chilling in my trackies, to falling at your feet, and not even feeling remotely embarrassed by any of this. I enjoy every moment we spend together; when I’m with you there is not a second I’m not smiling, or a minute I don’t laugh.

Sometimes it feels like you’ve known me forever; you hear the words I have to say before I say them, and you always know the right thing to say and what to do no matter what the situation. You have an uncanny ability to read me to the point you pick up when something’s wrong before I’ve chosen to acknowledge the fact myself. Within the past few months you have broken down more barriers than others have in years, and challenged my thoughts on a daily basis, and for the first time, I was willing to let someone do that.

I know you’re not proud of your past, and although I didn’t know you back then in order to be in a position to say I’ve seen the change that resulted from it, I admire how you turned it around. Because ultimately, it’s not about what you lose in life, it’s what you do with what you have left that counts. I love you for all that you are and for your past because I know that without it you wouldn’t be who you are today.

I know there are days when you look in the mirror and hate your reflection and don’t feel good enough, I know what it’s like because I’ve been there- and it pains me to know that you think like that. I can only wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, and then maybe you’d get an insight into your worth.

Know that no matter what you do, I will support you in all your endeavours and be there through the highs, the lows and the mediocre. I want to see you through whatever life throws at you; your achievements and successes, your challenges and your defeats. I value your happiness more than anything and I’ll do anything to ensure you always have a smile on your face.

All my love,
Becky ♥

'I was perfectly happy killing myself but then you asked me to try, and for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that person was worth trying for.'