I guess I feel that because of the course I'm taking (Extended Diploma in Horse Management, for those that didn't know) everything's so final, that after this, that's it. I just feel like I'm limiting myself to something that ultimately, I may not want to do. Sometimes I think that maybe I should be doing something more conventional, more academic, because that's always been used to deter me.
To be honest, noone really wanted me to do this from the beginning; noone thought that me, the Dyspraxic of the family, should go into such a manual labour based industry. My mum had always told me I'd never be able to ride, and when I did pass my riding asessment she said she didn't think I'd pass it; I think that's the first time my determination ever showed through, the first time I said 'You know what, maybe people don't think I should be doing this, maybe people don't think I can do it- but you know what?, I'm sure as hell going to prove them wrong.'.
But now, my hearts just not in it. I've lost my drive. Once upon a time there was so much I wanted from life, all most too much for the time that I'll probably get,and I suppose I worry that one day, if I want that again, then I won't be in a position to go after it all. I guess I'm an all or nothing person.
I just don't know what I want anymore, infact- I don't think I want anything. Prehaps I do, but I just can't see it at the moment because I'm too blinded by everything else.
So earlier this evening I was talking to a friend of mine and weight & exercise came into the conversation, and totally without thinking I said quite possibly one of the most stupid things you could possibly say to someone, I had basically quoted a pro- ED affirmation. I'm fully aware of how it comes across and I think this may be the first time that the inner voice has actually outwardly expressed itself, and frankly- that scares the shit out of me. I'm fully aware of how it comes across and I think this may be the first time that the inner voice has actually outwardly expressed itself, and frankly- that scares the shit out of me. I don't want for my thoughts to influence others, so I'm going to have to work on censoring them.
Talking of things that scare the shit out of me, it's Easter next Sunday. In my house-hold we do an egg-hunt in the morning and divide them equally between the six of us, and then after that we're responsible for choosing what we do with them.And that's what scares me, that if I get hungry- food's there. I'm scared of what will happen if I lose control.
I have to be strong.
Mind over matter.
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