Unfinished business.

Few people prepare you for the realities and responsibility that come with recovery. Suddenly you are expected to know how to eat, to cope with being alone with a full cupboard and chaotic mind and to respond to hunger in an initiative and healthy way.

Too much responsibility can be overwhelming, not empowering; when you have lived in the dark for longer than you have the light, you forget how the light can burn.

How do you know when to eat and how much when you have taught yourself not to feel these things?, when you have spent years training your receptors to not react to this instinctual need, how do you reverse this? It is hard accepting something you denied yourself.

It is true that recovery makes you incur a feeling of loss and disillusionment. Do not mistake this for longing; you will miss the presence of the disorder, but eventually, not the disorder itself.

There will be days you wish to test your own limits; to push the boundary between where you are now and where you were- It is tempting to see how narrow those boundaries are. The irony of this is that you don't want to be ill again; this is an admittance that you need, that a desire holds a greater power over you than you hold over yourself. You have a void that although vacated, seems reserved for something greater, more powerful than the confines of comprehension.

Sometimes you emerge as a person you never were, you don't return to who you were prior to the disorder. The expectation is there. This is not because the disorder is all you were, but because you have lost what you recognise as being yourself; in the midst of the disorder the lines between it and you blur, and recovery is making something from the smudge.