The feeling that there’s nothing worth fighting for and nothing left to lose; the fear that there is, and the despair that there isn’t, because it’s already gone. The longing for your life to have so much more meaning , so much more promise- but the inability to see beyond this; where everything is black and white, where everything is moving forwards, yet so backwards. So distorted, but never more clear.
The part of you that wants to have to fight this mentality, and the part that wants to fight it. The day’s where you plead for it to go and long for it to stay. The trying to convince yourself that your conscious thoughts are true, and the overpowering voice that tells you otherwise- the shouting in your silence. The solace in your pain.
The wanting to be shielded from the truth, but the needing it more than anything. The thought that people are exaggerating the severity to force you to recover, and the hope it really is as bad as they say... the hope it gets worse. The part of you that wants to be known for having an eating disorder- for all the wrong reasons that feel so right- and the part of you that doesn’t. Because you want to be ill, and you need someone to notice. But you need them not too, because everything you’ve built up will crumble. The wanting your unworthiness to be worth noticing, but the wanting to fade away. Feeling so strong in your weakness; feeling so in control in your lack of control.
The needing to hang on to what’s causing you to fall apart, but also keeping you together; and the needing to let go of it in order to genuinely hang on.
The feeling that you’re too much and not enough.
The wanting to keep doing this until the day your dead, but the knowing that if you did- you wouldn’t be able to do this anymore. And that hurts, because you want it and you need it here. But you need it gone.
you read my mind hun. You're definitely not alone with those feelings. You did an excellent job putting them into words. If you don't mind I may actually share pieces of it with my t to try and show her what I'm feeling cuz I'm really bad at saying it in a way she understands but I feel like you did that really well here. thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work. I know it's hard, but we all also know that it's totally worth it. You'll get there. We'll all get there, we just have to keep pushing forward. You CAN do it! always here for you <3
ReplyDeleteThankyou, I was rather hoping that someone would be able to relate; but by the same token I hate to think that someone else is going through the same ordeal :/
ReplyDeleteYour'e most welcome to share this with your therapist and I'm glad you feel this expresses the way your'e feeling to the extent you want to use it to try and make a poistive out of a negative situation.
Thankyou for the words of encouragement and support. Same goes to you- keep fighting.
This relates to so many aspects of life people can endure; anything from self harm to relationship problems. I suppose in a way, what you have written is a blue print for a lot of people's lives.
ReplyDeleteBut what you need changes, sometimes you can find control in other aspects of life.
Like horse riding you have the ability to feel empowered without causing detrimental affects to your overall health.
Thankyou for your comment :')
ReplyDeleteAs for the horse-riding, well that can have detrimental affects when you fall off ;) :L
ah true that! I'd most likely cripple myself if I were to ride a horse
ReplyDeleteThere is such a dichotomy when it comes to eating disorders. You explained it all so well. I have written some of these words before. "The feeling of being too much and never enough. I feel that way all of the time! Hang in there. You are worth recovery.
ReplyDeleteThankyou very much :') <3
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