6/9/2010

Looking back I’ve always had the control I’ve felt I’ve lacked; in reporting what happened on that day in 2008- it was in that moment I seized control. Because in that moment, I chose between being a victim of silence, or speaking out and making sure he was brought to justice. I guess at the time, a very small part of me, no matter how hidden it was, knew I had some control over the situation, but that control seemed all too mundane and was never enough, so I sought it in all the wrong places.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t use the assault as a scape-goat to avoid facing other issues, because it explained the otherwise unexplainable; if I put everything down to the assault, I never had to look any further or dig any deeper. And in that sense, I guess that’s what stopped me moving on; I never allowed myself to look beyond what happened.

Last night I was talking to a close friend regarding this, and she said she believes that

'problems are always there, but certain events magnify them'

; applying that to my situation, I believe that the eating disorder was remaining manifesting prior to the assault, not revealing itself at its fullest extent until after the assault had taken place.

From the moment I reported it, I had a choice, to take action and move on, he on the other hand- didn’t; upon charge whenever he applied for a new job, he’d have to explain what he did and answer other awkward questions in relation to what happened. He has no choice but to face what he did, but I always had the choice to handle the situation in a way that I felt comfortable with. He may have to deal with the repercussions of his actions forever, but I never have to. But is it fair that he should be constantly reminded of his past mistakes?

I was never the under-dog, I just couldn’t see it.

I won’t be a victim forever.