Although rife in today’s modern society, there is still much misunderstanding surrounding eating disorders; many believing that the issue is solely based around food. The reality is, it’s so much more complex than that.
There are many situations we encounter in everyday life that are beyond our control, and instinctively we look for mediums by which to gain the control we feel we are lacking. It’s never what a situation is that’s important, it’s how it affects those involved.
No one thing in this world can exist without another; everything is interconnected; we partake in actions because of their consequence, rather than merely because we can. We do things for the effect they have upon our feelings. When we restrict or purge, we do it for the outcome. The control element is not in the action, but the aftermath.
We ebb around the result of our actions. No one would make conscious decisions if the potential for a change to occur did not exist.
In controlling what or how we eat, we’re exerting control over what is often the only aspect we feel able to control. We’re frequently the medium by which we channel the means we gain control, because we’re always at our own disposal. So in many respects, we’re attempting to exert control over ourselves when we feel as if every external factor is out of our control.
Eventually we reach the point where we are so indoctrinated by the disorder that we are no longer controlling it, but rather the disorder is controlling us, taking over every facet of our mind.
Despite the severity of the issue, I think there is some irony to be found in the fact that a fundamental part of recovery is coming to terms with the idea that one binge will not kill you, whilst in a disordered state we constantly tell ourselves that one purge won’t either.
As with everything, in time, things stop working; we no longer get the release from our actions that we once did, and it is this that can be the hardest part to deal with. We allow ourselves to become even more of a victim; letting ourselves fall even further backwards in our attempt to go forwards, trying to gain the same release we did the first time. In essence, we’re stuck in a vicious and repetitive cycle of trying to get back to where we started. You become consumed by the thought that you will never find solace and that in doing a certain thing, you will. And no matter what, it’s never enough, so you keep pushing and pushing; trying to obtain what you did last time- convincing yourself it will be different this time.
And it never is.
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