Dear Ryan,

So yet again I’m trying to find a way to write a letter that does justice to my thoughts, yet the more I try, the more I feel that perhaps there isn’t a way to do so, because words are simply not enough.

Lately I know it seems like the odds are stacked against you, and I can see that you’re trying so hard to keep it together, and that for the most part, you can’t see a way out of this because you don’t think there is one, but the moment you give up hope is the moment you admit defeat, and I know for a fact that you won’t go down without a fight. No matter how much you pretend you’re fine, I can still see in your eyes how broken you are and how when you turn your head away, you’re trying not to cry. Sometimes it feels like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders; you make everything your responsibility even when it’s outside of the realms of your control because that’s the kind of person you are; always looking at what you could’ve done instead of what you did. I know what is it to try and try and not get anywhere whilst everything else spirals out of control around you and you don’t know what you can do to prevent yourself from falling, and how you try so hard to hold on, but you don’t know what you’re holding on to. But sometimes you have to come near to losing everything to realise what you have to hold on to.

I know there are days when you contemplate falling back into old ways because going backwards seems easier than trying to move forwards or remaining in the same place, and although I know you’re better than that, and so do you, I know how once an idea has implanted itself, it stays there at the back of your mind and manifests itself to the point it seems like the only way. I know you value yourself too much to go back, because deep down you know its not an option because you’ve worked hard to get where you are today and you know you have too much to lose. Throughout everything I’ve endured, you have shown me that there is always hope, no matter how small that hope may be, and that it’s that hope that will get you through and I can only wish that you will one day find that hope for yourself.

Before you I had lost all sense of purpose and was adamant there was nothing life had left for me that would pull me out of that mentality, but then you came along and suddenly everything began to make sense and I knew I had something worth fighting for. And ever since that day, I have not regretted a single moment. Everything I’ve surfaced from and everything I’ve overcome is because of you. Every day I face is another day I face because I know I have you; every morning I get out of bed is because I know you’ll be there, and everyday that I drag myself through is because I know you’ll still be there at the end of the day. You came into my life when I needed you the most, and you have saved me everyday since. You’ve proved to me that it is possible to want to spend everyday with someone and share the rest of your life with them and be prepared to go to any lengths in order to do so. I’m no longer scared of the future because no matter how far forward I look, you’re there, previously, the idea of a tomorrow seemed too much, but now I’ve got something not only with which to put my life in terms of a lifetime into perspective, but to give it a context- and that something is you. You’re my reason for everything, everything I do, I do for or because of you. You’ve stood beside me at my greatest moments and stuck by me through me worst, and I can only ever hope to do the same for you. No matter how much I tried to convince everyone else and myself that I was okay, you’d always see right through me, and in that respect, you will always know me better than anyone else ever could, thank you for being not only my boyfriend, but my best friend, and sometimes my only friend.

The more time I spend with you, the more I realise that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and every time I say I love you, I mean it more than the last. I never want you to feel like I don’t want you, because you’re the one thing I want more than anything, and to lose you would be to lose everything. You shine far brighter than anyone I’ve ever known and no one will ever compare to you. I know that the uncertainty of the future scares you, but one thing you can be certain of is that I will be there. We’ve gone against the odds for nearly six months, what’s there to say we can’t do it for the next six years? Because ultimately, our fear of losing each other outweighs anything that could ever be put in front of us.

I love you <3