In the immediate aftermath, and the years that follow- you cannot help but to ask yourself why- why me? You will plague yourself with this day after day. You cannot see how you can live with this; the thing that keeps you awake at night, that makes you scared of your own footsteps because you don't recognise them as your own, that makes you flinch when someone passes too close. You cannot imagine a life where you don't fear going out, where you can see them and you no longer feel afraid.
You will question whether this is even possible; that you can have a life without this ruling you. You will ask yourself what you could've done differently. You will tell yourself it was your fault; that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You won't look outwardly and see that the problem was never with yourself.
You will blame yourself for the action of another, you will not see that this is the consequence of someone else's choice. You will not understand that it is not something you have to live with everyday, because you were never in the wrong.
But I promise, there will come a day when you start to see again; where you know it never was your fault, where you free yourself from the chains you realise were never bound.
Until that day, hold on to the belief that it is absolutely possible to live a life that isn't confined to the shadows, know that you are still the person you always were. And that the bad lies in them, and not with you.
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Saturday, 28 June 2014
A long way back to the light.
This is a post that has taken much contemplation and an awful lot of reflection, and at best has been painful to write. But I am ever grateful for the fact that I am in a position to write these words. Two years ago, I made my last post on here- it was a prose of two halves, and I am sure that some of its content left much to be asked, and I feel like I am now in a position to give those long awaited answers.
In the October of 2011, I was in the back of an ambulance facing the reality that my heart was slowly stopping. I remember laying there and feeling myself fade away, there was nothing anyone could've done to stop it; it came as easily as sleep does when you've tried so hard to fight it. I remember feeling my heart slow to a standstill, and then darkness. For the first time I felt weightless. I didn't expect death to be so easy, so dignified. There is a certain sadistic irony in the fact that sometimes it takes dying to make you realise how much you've always wanted to live. But it was too late for me to fight, I welcomed it with open arms, and I knew I was home. How strange it was when I found myself still here, still breathing. I knew I had been set free.
People will always tell you that coming close to dying gives you a new found appreciation for life, that is not necessarily true; when you have lived and part of you has died inside, you become resentful. Resentful of the fact that you had a world of- with hindsight- seemingly endless possibilities, and you wasted it trying to find the quickest exit. What happens is your new life- your real life- becomes more refined; all your dreams, all your goals, you become all too aware of just how mundane they were. You start to claim every aspect of your being; all your mistakes, all your failures, you learn to embrace them, because they are some of the only things you will ever truly own in all their entirety. The most awakening thing you will ever learn is that you are the only certain thing you have in your life. You know you are on borrowed time. No one is born into this world knowing what it is to want to die, but some of us are born with a noose around our neck, and our existence is out there just waiting to weigh us down.
The hardest thing you will ever hear is someone say you can never fully recover; I think that those words were my strongest deterrent- if I would spend the rest of my days waiting to have to fight a war I thought I had already won, why would I invest my time in something that would only leave me bankrupt again?. Some people may feel that is the truth for them, but it is not my truth. Although, I would be lying if I said there wasn't harder days, but I can honestly say there is never a day I have truly thought in my heart that going back would be better than where I am now. And to me, that's what recovery is; knowing you have proved you are strong enough to not need to go back, and that fact alone being enough to keep you grounded. It would be easy to let it consume me again, but my belief in myself has become so strong that it cannot be tamed.
People will often ask how you recovered, it is difficult when you do not know yourself. I think I stopped seeing recovery as the ultimate goal, and instead started viewing each meal as a challenge, and merely as a step in the process towards where I needed to be. It still remains a mystery to me as to how I sat with those overwhelming thoughts, it is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. There is no magic cure; it is a struggle, and it is not graceful and it is not pretty, but what it is, is worthwhile. Recovery is a sum of all of those small victories, but it amounts to something so much greater than you'd ever thought.
Those who have not been unfortunate enough to be touched by an eating disorder take forgranted what it is to be able to sit at the dinner table and eat without having to try; They can't understand how someone can reject the one thing that should be instinctual to them. What recovery is is being able to appreciate all of that; to know you can get up each day, and eat without that voice there to tell you that you shouldn't, or that you can't, and to speak and for it to really be you.
It is indisputable that I have gained more than I have lost, now that I am able to say the words that previously seemed impossible- 'I am recovered'. I finished college in 2012 with a better grade than I had anticipated, which proved to me beyond all doubt, that despite it all, the struggle was worth it. I am currently in my second year of a Business and Marketing degree, and with each day coming closer to finding who I really am, and who I have always been. I have three beautiful bunnies who allow me to utilise the time I would've spent obsessing over disordered thoughts and behaviors, in to letting them know they are loved beyond measure. I have a beautiful home that has been filled with memories, and its walls have echoed the sound of much laughter. I have met the man who saves me every single day, who I am lucky enough to be marrying,and just happens to be my best friend. I can't wait to have our own family, because I never thought I would be healthy enough to be in that position, and there are some people in this life that will never get the chance to experience that. Even at twenty, it feels I have already lived one life time, and how very blessed I am to have the chance to do it again, and to do it right.
Recovery is real, and it is out there.
In the October of 2011, I was in the back of an ambulance facing the reality that my heart was slowly stopping. I remember laying there and feeling myself fade away, there was nothing anyone could've done to stop it; it came as easily as sleep does when you've tried so hard to fight it. I remember feeling my heart slow to a standstill, and then darkness. For the first time I felt weightless. I didn't expect death to be so easy, so dignified. There is a certain sadistic irony in the fact that sometimes it takes dying to make you realise how much you've always wanted to live. But it was too late for me to fight, I welcomed it with open arms, and I knew I was home. How strange it was when I found myself still here, still breathing. I knew I had been set free.
People will always tell you that coming close to dying gives you a new found appreciation for life, that is not necessarily true; when you have lived and part of you has died inside, you become resentful. Resentful of the fact that you had a world of- with hindsight- seemingly endless possibilities, and you wasted it trying to find the quickest exit. What happens is your new life- your real life- becomes more refined; all your dreams, all your goals, you become all too aware of just how mundane they were. You start to claim every aspect of your being; all your mistakes, all your failures, you learn to embrace them, because they are some of the only things you will ever truly own in all their entirety. The most awakening thing you will ever learn is that you are the only certain thing you have in your life. You know you are on borrowed time. No one is born into this world knowing what it is to want to die, but some of us are born with a noose around our neck, and our existence is out there just waiting to weigh us down.
The hardest thing you will ever hear is someone say you can never fully recover; I think that those words were my strongest deterrent- if I would spend the rest of my days waiting to have to fight a war I thought I had already won, why would I invest my time in something that would only leave me bankrupt again?. Some people may feel that is the truth for them, but it is not my truth. Although, I would be lying if I said there wasn't harder days, but I can honestly say there is never a day I have truly thought in my heart that going back would be better than where I am now. And to me, that's what recovery is; knowing you have proved you are strong enough to not need to go back, and that fact alone being enough to keep you grounded. It would be easy to let it consume me again, but my belief in myself has become so strong that it cannot be tamed.
People will often ask how you recovered, it is difficult when you do not know yourself. I think I stopped seeing recovery as the ultimate goal, and instead started viewing each meal as a challenge, and merely as a step in the process towards where I needed to be. It still remains a mystery to me as to how I sat with those overwhelming thoughts, it is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. There is no magic cure; it is a struggle, and it is not graceful and it is not pretty, but what it is, is worthwhile. Recovery is a sum of all of those small victories, but it amounts to something so much greater than you'd ever thought.
Those who have not been unfortunate enough to be touched by an eating disorder take forgranted what it is to be able to sit at the dinner table and eat without having to try; They can't understand how someone can reject the one thing that should be instinctual to them. What recovery is is being able to appreciate all of that; to know you can get up each day, and eat without that voice there to tell you that you shouldn't, or that you can't, and to speak and for it to really be you.
It is indisputable that I have gained more than I have lost, now that I am able to say the words that previously seemed impossible- 'I am recovered'. I finished college in 2012 with a better grade than I had anticipated, which proved to me beyond all doubt, that despite it all, the struggle was worth it. I am currently in my second year of a Business and Marketing degree, and with each day coming closer to finding who I really am, and who I have always been. I have three beautiful bunnies who allow me to utilise the time I would've spent obsessing over disordered thoughts and behaviors, in to letting them know they are loved beyond measure. I have a beautiful home that has been filled with memories, and its walls have echoed the sound of much laughter. I have met the man who saves me every single day, who I am lucky enough to be marrying,and just happens to be my best friend. I can't wait to have our own family, because I never thought I would be healthy enough to be in that position, and there are some people in this life that will never get the chance to experience that. Even at twenty, it feels I have already lived one life time, and how very blessed I am to have the chance to do it again, and to do it right.
Recovery is real, and it is out there.
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Ryan,
Do you remember last year when I was in the back of an ambulance and you didn't even know me properly back then, well not enough to do what you did, but you were the first person to contact me to ask if I was okay. Remember how that weekend you took me home to yours and looked after me until I was well enough again? Remember how you took my hand, looked me in the eye and told me we'd get through that meal together? Well I'll never forget, because right then- that was exactly what I needed and I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that you were the one to do it. Because it was in those moments that I started to believe in love.
There were so many times when you could've given up, so many times I tried to push you away, yet you knew that was just a defense because I felt threatened, and that really, more than anything- I needed someone, and you were determined to be that someone, and for the first time I felt like someone cared enough to give me a reason to try. It's scary how it takes coming close to dying to make you realise how much there is to live for.
If there's one thing I've learnt from you, it's that there is always hope, you just have to be brave enough to open your eyes and see it, and when I couldn't, you always saw for me. Thank you for all those nights you stayed awake whilst I asked questions about life and the world, too scared of the answers that I so desperately needed. Thank you for every tear you cried with me when things got hard. Thank you for not only helping me through my defeats, but celebrating my victories with me too - but most of all, thank you for not giving up through it all.
Thank you for not allowing me to lose myself and in doing so, helping me find who I am; it's not enough to say I wouldn't be half the person I am today without you, because I know without a doubt, if it hadn't been for you on that day, I wouldn't be writing this now. And I mean that in the most literal sense possible.
Even though things were so bad then that it hurts even now, I'll always manage to find a way to look at those times as the happiest of my life- just because you were there.
I used to be so scared of the future and all of it's uncertainty, but because of you I'm learning to embrace it. Thank you for not only putting everything into perspective, but for giving it a context too. I love how I could tell you anything and nothing I could ever say would change anything and all too often you've known when you needed to be there without me needing to say anything. Thank you for always seeing right through me and breaking down all the barriers I'd spend years building and trying to maintain. You will always know me better than anyone else because you're the only person I've ever shown fully who I am. I feel such a connection with you and sometimes it feels like I've known you forever. I know it's a cliche, but thank you for not only being my boyfriend, but my best friend, and at times, my only friend.
Since I've been with you there hasn't been a day that we haven't found something to laugh or smile about and I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that I get to wake up to you every day. Thank you for not only making me feel safe, but making me feel safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. Thank you for allowing me to not only show you my strengths, but my weaknesses too.
Thank you for all that you've done, and all that you continue to do for me- I owe you my life.
Happy Birthday Baby!
I hope you have a brilliant day- you really do deserve it after everything you've been through. I've tried to make everything perfect so today can be just how I hoped it would be before you.
Hope you enjoy your surprise!
All my love forever,
Bex <3
Do you remember last year when I was in the back of an ambulance and you didn't even know me properly back then, well not enough to do what you did, but you were the first person to contact me to ask if I was okay. Remember how that weekend you took me home to yours and looked after me until I was well enough again? Remember how you took my hand, looked me in the eye and told me we'd get through that meal together? Well I'll never forget, because right then- that was exactly what I needed and I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that you were the one to do it. Because it was in those moments that I started to believe in love.
There were so many times when you could've given up, so many times I tried to push you away, yet you knew that was just a defense because I felt threatened, and that really, more than anything- I needed someone, and you were determined to be that someone, and for the first time I felt like someone cared enough to give me a reason to try. It's scary how it takes coming close to dying to make you realise how much there is to live for.
If there's one thing I've learnt from you, it's that there is always hope, you just have to be brave enough to open your eyes and see it, and when I couldn't, you always saw for me. Thank you for all those nights you stayed awake whilst I asked questions about life and the world, too scared of the answers that I so desperately needed. Thank you for every tear you cried with me when things got hard. Thank you for not only helping me through my defeats, but celebrating my victories with me too - but most of all, thank you for not giving up through it all.
Thank you for not allowing me to lose myself and in doing so, helping me find who I am; it's not enough to say I wouldn't be half the person I am today without you, because I know without a doubt, if it hadn't been for you on that day, I wouldn't be writing this now. And I mean that in the most literal sense possible.
Even though things were so bad then that it hurts even now, I'll always manage to find a way to look at those times as the happiest of my life- just because you were there.
I used to be so scared of the future and all of it's uncertainty, but because of you I'm learning to embrace it. Thank you for not only putting everything into perspective, but for giving it a context too. I love how I could tell you anything and nothing I could ever say would change anything and all too often you've known when you needed to be there without me needing to say anything. Thank you for always seeing right through me and breaking down all the barriers I'd spend years building and trying to maintain. You will always know me better than anyone else because you're the only person I've ever shown fully who I am. I feel such a connection with you and sometimes it feels like I've known you forever. I know it's a cliche, but thank you for not only being my boyfriend, but my best friend, and at times, my only friend.
Since I've been with you there hasn't been a day that we haven't found something to laugh or smile about and I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that I get to wake up to you every day. Thank you for not only making me feel safe, but making me feel safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. Thank you for allowing me to not only show you my strengths, but my weaknesses too.
Thank you for all that you've done, and all that you continue to do for me- I owe you my life.
Happy Birthday Baby!
I hope you have a brilliant day- you really do deserve it after everything you've been through. I've tried to make everything perfect so today can be just how I hoped it would be before you.
Hope you enjoy your surprise!
All my love forever,
Bex <3
Friday, 30 March 2012
Dear Ryan,
So yet again I’m trying to find a way to write a letter that does justice to my thoughts, yet the more I try, the more I feel that perhaps there isn’t a way to do so, because words are simply not enough.
Lately I know it seems like the odds are stacked against you, and I can see that you’re trying so hard to keep it together, and that for the most part, you can’t see a way out of this because you don’t think there is one, but the moment you give up hope is the moment you admit defeat, and I know for a fact that you won’t go down without a fight. No matter how much you pretend you’re fine, I can still see in your eyes how broken you are and how when you turn your head away, you’re trying not to cry. Sometimes it feels like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders; you make everything your responsibility even when it’s outside of the realms of your control because that’s the kind of person you are; always looking at what you could’ve done instead of what you did. I know what is it to try and try and not get anywhere whilst everything else spirals out of control around you and you don’t know what you can do to prevent yourself from falling, and how you try so hard to hold on, but you don’t know what you’re holding on to. But sometimes you have to come near to losing everything to realise what you have to hold on to.
I know there are days when you contemplate falling back into old ways because going backwards seems easier than trying to move forwards or remaining in the same place, and although I know you’re better than that, and so do you, I know how once an idea has implanted itself, it stays there at the back of your mind and manifests itself to the point it seems like the only way. I know you value yourself too much to go back, because deep down you know its not an option because you’ve worked hard to get where you are today and you know you have too much to lose. Throughout everything I’ve endured, you have shown me that there is always hope, no matter how small that hope may be, and that it’s that hope that will get you through and I can only wish that you will one day find that hope for yourself.
Before you I had lost all sense of purpose and was adamant there was nothing life had left for me that would pull me out of that mentality, but then you came along and suddenly everything began to make sense and I knew I had something worth fighting for. And ever since that day, I have not regretted a single moment. Everything I’ve surfaced from and everything I’ve overcome is because of you. Every day I face is another day I face because I know I have you; every morning I get out of bed is because I know you’ll be there, and everyday that I drag myself through is because I know you’ll still be there at the end of the day. You came into my life when I needed you the most, and you have saved me everyday since. You’ve proved to me that it is possible to want to spend everyday with someone and share the rest of your life with them and be prepared to go to any lengths in order to do so. I’m no longer scared of the future because no matter how far forward I look, you’re there, previously, the idea of a tomorrow seemed too much, but now I’ve got something not only with which to put my life in terms of a lifetime into perspective, but to give it a context- and that something is you. You’re my reason for everything, everything I do, I do for or because of you. You’ve stood beside me at my greatest moments and stuck by me through me worst, and I can only ever hope to do the same for you. No matter how much I tried to convince everyone else and myself that I was okay, you’d always see right through me, and in that respect, you will always know me better than anyone else ever could, thank you for being not only my boyfriend, but my best friend, and sometimes my only friend.
The more time I spend with you, the more I realise that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and every time I say I love you, I mean it more than the last. I never want you to feel like I don’t want you, because you’re the one thing I want more than anything, and to lose you would be to lose everything. You shine far brighter than anyone I’ve ever known and no one will ever compare to you. I know that the uncertainty of the future scares you, but one thing you can be certain of is that I will be there. We’ve gone against the odds for nearly six months, what’s there to say we can’t do it for the next six years? Because ultimately, our fear of losing each other outweighs anything that could ever be put in front of us.
I love you <3
So yet again I’m trying to find a way to write a letter that does justice to my thoughts, yet the more I try, the more I feel that perhaps there isn’t a way to do so, because words are simply not enough.
Lately I know it seems like the odds are stacked against you, and I can see that you’re trying so hard to keep it together, and that for the most part, you can’t see a way out of this because you don’t think there is one, but the moment you give up hope is the moment you admit defeat, and I know for a fact that you won’t go down without a fight. No matter how much you pretend you’re fine, I can still see in your eyes how broken you are and how when you turn your head away, you’re trying not to cry. Sometimes it feels like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders; you make everything your responsibility even when it’s outside of the realms of your control because that’s the kind of person you are; always looking at what you could’ve done instead of what you did. I know what is it to try and try and not get anywhere whilst everything else spirals out of control around you and you don’t know what you can do to prevent yourself from falling, and how you try so hard to hold on, but you don’t know what you’re holding on to. But sometimes you have to come near to losing everything to realise what you have to hold on to.
I know there are days when you contemplate falling back into old ways because going backwards seems easier than trying to move forwards or remaining in the same place, and although I know you’re better than that, and so do you, I know how once an idea has implanted itself, it stays there at the back of your mind and manifests itself to the point it seems like the only way. I know you value yourself too much to go back, because deep down you know its not an option because you’ve worked hard to get where you are today and you know you have too much to lose. Throughout everything I’ve endured, you have shown me that there is always hope, no matter how small that hope may be, and that it’s that hope that will get you through and I can only wish that you will one day find that hope for yourself.
Before you I had lost all sense of purpose and was adamant there was nothing life had left for me that would pull me out of that mentality, but then you came along and suddenly everything began to make sense and I knew I had something worth fighting for. And ever since that day, I have not regretted a single moment. Everything I’ve surfaced from and everything I’ve overcome is because of you. Every day I face is another day I face because I know I have you; every morning I get out of bed is because I know you’ll be there, and everyday that I drag myself through is because I know you’ll still be there at the end of the day. You came into my life when I needed you the most, and you have saved me everyday since. You’ve proved to me that it is possible to want to spend everyday with someone and share the rest of your life with them and be prepared to go to any lengths in order to do so. I’m no longer scared of the future because no matter how far forward I look, you’re there, previously, the idea of a tomorrow seemed too much, but now I’ve got something not only with which to put my life in terms of a lifetime into perspective, but to give it a context- and that something is you. You’re my reason for everything, everything I do, I do for or because of you. You’ve stood beside me at my greatest moments and stuck by me through me worst, and I can only ever hope to do the same for you. No matter how much I tried to convince everyone else and myself that I was okay, you’d always see right through me, and in that respect, you will always know me better than anyone else ever could, thank you for being not only my boyfriend, but my best friend, and sometimes my only friend.
The more time I spend with you, the more I realise that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and every time I say I love you, I mean it more than the last. I never want you to feel like I don’t want you, because you’re the one thing I want more than anything, and to lose you would be to lose everything. You shine far brighter than anyone I’ve ever known and no one will ever compare to you. I know that the uncertainty of the future scares you, but one thing you can be certain of is that I will be there. We’ve gone against the odds for nearly six months, what’s there to say we can’t do it for the next six years? Because ultimately, our fear of losing each other outweighs anything that could ever be put in front of us.
I love you <3
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Three months on, the words have finally come to me. Back in October, I made the conscious decision to live; not just to survive, but to live every moment in it's greatest sense; to appreciate every breath i take and every beat of my heart, reminding me i'm alive. And for the first time, that feeling no longer scares me. No matter how hard things get, I wont ever forget the feeling when I realised that I was strong enough to fight; that my will to live was far stronger than my eating disorder will ever be. With each day that passes I know I get a step closer to living outside of the realms of my e.d and learning who I am. I know that with each breath I take, I'm fighting. Today it hurts me to know that I spent three years of my life trying to kill myself a little more each day, and I constantly wonder if things would've been the same had I known back then where I'd be today. Slowly I am allowing myself to be the person I have always been underneath, and I'm learning to like myself. And nothing in the world will ever equate to that feeling. 
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Dear Ryan,
There isn’t really a definitive starting point to this, but I guess it doesn’t really matter where I start, because this would still say the same thing anyway; I could start anywhere and the meaning wouldn’t change.
I have never trusted anyone as fully, or as quickly as I have come to trust you. When I told you about my past, for the first time, I didn’t feel like a burden and I felt able to talk about everything at its fullest extent without fear of judgement. The fact that your view of me didn’t change astounded me; you told me that you’d always be there for me, and I believed you, but it wasn’t till I had my health complications back in October that you really gave me a reason to. You were the only person who wasn’t scared for me and let me know they would be there no matter what happened as a result, and you have no idea how much that meant, and still means, to me.
Not only have you given me a reason to be happy, but you’ve taught me to find happiness in everything no matter how mundane it may seem, because you never know how fleeting that happiness may be. When I’m with you, whatever stresses or struggles that have occurred in the day, mean nothing, just being with you makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive, and the fact that I have you will always outweigh whatever else is going on. On days when life seems too much, it is the thought of you and your belief in me that gets me through, and in moments of fear, it is my love for you that helps me face them. I wear the necklace you got my everyday as it serves as a reminder of you, and when I look at it, I feel less alone.
I feel so safe when I’m with you and the fact that my main compulsions are dormant when I’m with you is testament to this. I feel so comfortable around you; from wearing my jeans tucked into my socks, to walking round with a towel turban on my head, to chilling in my trackies, to falling at your feet, and not even feeling remotely embarrassed by any of this. I enjoy every moment we spend together; when I’m with you there is not a second I’m not smiling, or a minute I don’t laugh.
Sometimes it feels like you’ve known me forever; you hear the words I have to say before I say them, and you always know the right thing to say and what to do no matter what the situation. You have an uncanny ability to read me to the point you pick up when something’s wrong before I’ve chosen to acknowledge the fact myself. Within the past few months you have broken down more barriers than others have in years, and challenged my thoughts on a daily basis, and for the first time, I was willing to let someone do that.
I know you’re not proud of your past, and although I didn’t know you back then in order to be in a position to say I’ve seen the change that resulted from it, I admire how you turned it around. Because ultimately, it’s not about what you lose in life, it’s what you do with what you have left that counts. I love you for all that you are and for your past because I know that without it you wouldn’t be who you are today.
I know there are days when you look in the mirror and hate your reflection and don’t feel good enough, I know what it’s like because I’ve been there- and it pains me to know that you think like that. I can only wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, and then maybe you’d get an insight into your worth.
Know that no matter what you do, I will support you in all your endeavours and be there through the highs, the lows and the mediocre. I want to see you through whatever life throws at you; your achievements and successes, your challenges and your defeats. I value your happiness more than anything and I’ll do anything to ensure you always have a smile on your face.
All my love,
Becky ♥
'I was perfectly happy killing myself but then you asked me to try, and for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that person was worth trying for.'
There isn’t really a definitive starting point to this, but I guess it doesn’t really matter where I start, because this would still say the same thing anyway; I could start anywhere and the meaning wouldn’t change.
I have never trusted anyone as fully, or as quickly as I have come to trust you. When I told you about my past, for the first time, I didn’t feel like a burden and I felt able to talk about everything at its fullest extent without fear of judgement. The fact that your view of me didn’t change astounded me; you told me that you’d always be there for me, and I believed you, but it wasn’t till I had my health complications back in October that you really gave me a reason to. You were the only person who wasn’t scared for me and let me know they would be there no matter what happened as a result, and you have no idea how much that meant, and still means, to me.
Not only have you given me a reason to be happy, but you’ve taught me to find happiness in everything no matter how mundane it may seem, because you never know how fleeting that happiness may be. When I’m with you, whatever stresses or struggles that have occurred in the day, mean nothing, just being with you makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive, and the fact that I have you will always outweigh whatever else is going on. On days when life seems too much, it is the thought of you and your belief in me that gets me through, and in moments of fear, it is my love for you that helps me face them. I wear the necklace you got my everyday as it serves as a reminder of you, and when I look at it, I feel less alone.
I feel so safe when I’m with you and the fact that my main compulsions are dormant when I’m with you is testament to this. I feel so comfortable around you; from wearing my jeans tucked into my socks, to walking round with a towel turban on my head, to chilling in my trackies, to falling at your feet, and not even feeling remotely embarrassed by any of this. I enjoy every moment we spend together; when I’m with you there is not a second I’m not smiling, or a minute I don’t laugh.
Sometimes it feels like you’ve known me forever; you hear the words I have to say before I say them, and you always know the right thing to say and what to do no matter what the situation. You have an uncanny ability to read me to the point you pick up when something’s wrong before I’ve chosen to acknowledge the fact myself. Within the past few months you have broken down more barriers than others have in years, and challenged my thoughts on a daily basis, and for the first time, I was willing to let someone do that.
I know you’re not proud of your past, and although I didn’t know you back then in order to be in a position to say I’ve seen the change that resulted from it, I admire how you turned it around. Because ultimately, it’s not about what you lose in life, it’s what you do with what you have left that counts. I love you for all that you are and for your past because I know that without it you wouldn’t be who you are today.
I know there are days when you look in the mirror and hate your reflection and don’t feel good enough, I know what it’s like because I’ve been there- and it pains me to know that you think like that. I can only wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, and then maybe you’d get an insight into your worth.
Know that no matter what you do, I will support you in all your endeavours and be there through the highs, the lows and the mediocre. I want to see you through whatever life throws at you; your achievements and successes, your challenges and your defeats. I value your happiness more than anything and I’ll do anything to ensure you always have a smile on your face.
All my love,
Becky ♥
'I was perfectly happy killing myself but then you asked me to try, and for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that person was worth trying for.'
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
27/9/2011
So I'm back at college now; I'm only in three days a week, so that's something I suppose. I imagine assignments will be starting either this week or the next, and I know I won't be able to get into it, I'm worried about fucking up time management and over complicating things for myself. We haven't even started proper lectures yet and I'm already starting to bend under the stress of it all, well, I say stress, there's nothing actually going on to trigger stress at the moment, so I dread to think how the rest of the year is going to pan out. I really don't know why I went back. I feel as if everyone's staring at me all of the time, and I just want to dissapear. I purged coke at a party on Saturday and spent a good few hours sat in the dark shivering,and on Sunday I chewed and spat mini chocolate brownie squares. I am disgusting. Today I managed to convince my parents I ate a whole quiche, when really it was in my pocket and sleeves, this was whilst my mum was sat two seats away from me. I don't know how she didn't notice, all I know is I'm glad she didn't. Even water seems too much; I can just feel it sitting there, mounting up, getting heavier and heavier like I'm drowning from the inside out. I feel so needy all of the time. I deserve nothing. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, I'm too afraid; afraid they'll make assumptions that are correct but I'll always deny. I'm not losing, only gaining. I swear I'm going to be stuck at this weight forever, maybe I deserve to be fat, to wear my failure. I feel like in the years this has been with me, I have lost everything except weight. Every time I stand up I get the light-headedness that I crave, but it's never satisfying enough, I need to faint to know I'm suceeding. I just want my internal organs to give out one by one; to know that every breath I take, every day I make it through, I become a little more lifeless; to feel that final murmur, and finally taste sucess.
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