Three months on, the words have finally come to me. Back in October, I made the conscious decision to live; not just to survive, but to live every moment in it's greatest sense; to appreciate every breath i take and every beat of my heart, reminding me i'm alive. And for the first time, that feeling no longer scares me. No matter how hard things get, I wont ever forget the feeling when I realised that I was strong enough to fight; that my will to live was far stronger than my eating disorder will ever be. With each day that passes I know I get a step closer to living outside of the realms of my e.d and learning who I am. I know that with each breath I take, I'm fighting. Today it hurts me to know that I spent three years of my life trying to kill myself a little more each day, and I constantly wonder if things would've been the same had I known back then where I'd be today. Slowly I am allowing myself to be the person I have always been underneath, and I'm learning to like myself. And nothing in the world will ever equate to that feeling.

Dear Ryan,

There isn’t really a definitive starting point to this, but I guess it doesn’t really matter where I start, because this would still say the same thing anyway; I could start anywhere and the meaning wouldn’t change.

I have never trusted anyone as fully, or as quickly as I have come to trust you. When I told you about my past, for the first time, I didn’t feel like a burden and I felt able to talk about everything at its fullest extent without fear of judgement. The fact that your view of me didn’t change astounded me; you told me that you’d always be there for me, and I believed you, but it wasn’t till I had my health complications back in October that you really gave me a reason to. You were the only person who wasn’t scared for me and let me know they would be there no matter what happened as a result, and you have no idea how much that meant, and still means, to me.

Not only have you given me a reason to be happy, but you’ve taught me to find happiness in everything no matter how mundane it may seem, because you never know how fleeting that happiness may be. When I’m with you, whatever stresses or struggles that have occurred in the day, mean nothing, just being with you makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive, and the fact that I have you will always outweigh whatever else is going on. On days when life seems too much, it is the thought of you and your belief in me that gets me through, and in moments of fear, it is my love for you that helps me face them. I wear the necklace you got my everyday as it serves as a reminder of you, and when I look at it, I feel less alone.

I feel so safe when I’m with you and the fact that my main compulsions are dormant when I’m with you is testament to this. I feel so comfortable around you; from wearing my jeans tucked into my socks, to walking round with a towel turban on my head, to chilling in my trackies, to falling at your feet, and not even feeling remotely embarrassed by any of this. I enjoy every moment we spend together; when I’m with you there is not a second I’m not smiling, or a minute I don’t laugh.

Sometimes it feels like you’ve known me forever; you hear the words I have to say before I say them, and you always know the right thing to say and what to do no matter what the situation. You have an uncanny ability to read me to the point you pick up when something’s wrong before I’ve chosen to acknowledge the fact myself. Within the past few months you have broken down more barriers than others have in years, and challenged my thoughts on a daily basis, and for the first time, I was willing to let someone do that.

I know you’re not proud of your past, and although I didn’t know you back then in order to be in a position to say I’ve seen the change that resulted from it, I admire how you turned it around. Because ultimately, it’s not about what you lose in life, it’s what you do with what you have left that counts. I love you for all that you are and for your past because I know that without it you wouldn’t be who you are today.

I know there are days when you look in the mirror and hate your reflection and don’t feel good enough, I know what it’s like because I’ve been there- and it pains me to know that you think like that. I can only wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, and then maybe you’d get an insight into your worth.

Know that no matter what you do, I will support you in all your endeavours and be there through the highs, the lows and the mediocre. I want to see you through whatever life throws at you; your achievements and successes, your challenges and your defeats. I value your happiness more than anything and I’ll do anything to ensure you always have a smile on your face.

All my love,
Becky ♥

'I was perfectly happy killing myself but then you asked me to try, and for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that person was worth trying for.'

27/9/2011

So I'm back at college now; I'm only in three days a week, so that's something I suppose. I imagine assignments will be starting either this week or the next, and I know I won't be able to get into it, I'm worried about fucking up time management and over complicating things for myself. We haven't even started proper lectures yet and I'm already starting to bend under the stress of it all, well, I say stress, there's nothing actually going on to trigger stress at the moment, so I dread to think how the rest of the year is going to pan out. I really don't know why I went back. I feel as if everyone's staring at me all of the time, and I just want to dissapear. I purged coke at a party on Saturday and spent a good few hours sat in the dark shivering,and on Sunday I chewed and spat mini chocolate brownie squares. I am disgusting. Today I managed to convince my parents I ate a whole quiche, when really it was in my pocket and sleeves, this was whilst my mum was sat two seats away from me. I don't know how she didn't notice, all I know is I'm glad she didn't. Even water seems too much; I can just feel it sitting there, mounting up, getting heavier and heavier like I'm drowning from the inside out. I feel so needy all of the time. I deserve nothing. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, I'm too afraid; afraid they'll make assumptions that are correct but I'll always deny. I'm not losing, only gaining. I swear I'm going to be stuck at this weight forever, maybe I deserve to be fat, to wear my failure. I feel like in the years this has been with me, I have lost everything except weight. Every time I stand up I get the light-headedness that I crave, but it's never satisfying enough, I need to faint to know I'm suceeding. I just want my internal organs to give out one by one; to know that every breath I take, every day I make it through, I become a little more lifeless; to feel that final murmur, and finally taste sucess.

16/9/2011

I don't feel hollow. I don't feel like a void that needs to be filled. That's gone. I feel nothing. I'm just a person with thoughts and actions, but no feelings. Nothing I do seems as if it will have an affect or any larger impact on my life. I can't think as far forward as tomorrow, let alone about what I want in the grand scheme of things. I know that applies to so many people, but i just can't think that far forward and I don't want to. I can't think about one minute from the next, but at the same time I'm not spontenous. I don't know what I am. I don't feel dead inside. I don't feel alive either. I don't feel stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks that sometimes the only reason I face my fears is because somewhere in my mind I think that if the worst does happen, it wont be happening to me. I don't even feel like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I don't feel like i'm experiencing it either. I want to go. But I know that won't change anything, because I'm sure it would pretty much by the same as how i feel, or more to the point, don't feel, now. When you think like this, you don't know how to explain it to anyone, as far as you're concerned, there is nothing to explain. How could you even attempt to get help if you have nothing to talk about? Literally, nothing. Because there are no feelings and no situations. everything seems so irrelavant. I'm doing things I wouldn't normally, acting in ways I wouldn't usually- and I have no idea why. I know this isn't me, but at the same time, I don't know what is me. There is no longer a line dividing where the eating disorder finishes and I begin. I am it and it is me. I want to eat nothing and everything all at the same time. I can't say I can't deal with life, because there's nothing to deal with. I just want to feel whole. Not whole again, because the word again suggests reverting back to a previous or original state. I just want so much more than this. I don't feel like a work in progress as there will never be a culmination. There's an emptiness inside my head, not even that achey emptiness that you can almost feel it's presense, or rather, abscence. There's no longer that straining for thoughts, I know not to bother. I don't even seem to be responding to things; I'm so emotionless and expressionless. There is so much stimuli, and probably so much going on around me, but i can't feel it, I can't see it. I just can't. and I don't know why.

8/9/2011

I’m not really sure why I’m writing a post, because as usual, I have very little to say. Well, it’s not that I have a lack of anything to say, it’s that I have a lack of ability to express it.

So the summer holidays are approaching an end and due to not being kept occupied with college work and such, I have had time to reflect on things:

I really wish I had something to show for this summer; I wish I’d lost weight , but i’ve fucking gained. I am terrified to go back to college. I’m scared shitless about seeing everyone again and having to face everyone again knowing that I’ve gained, I’m worried it’s going to go even more tits up than last year; that everyone will settle back down into it and no matter how hard I try to keep up, I just won’t be able to. I am having a hard time trying to convince myself I care, but a larger part of me is so scared of failing and will do anything to avoid it. It’s obvious to anyone I have lost all clarity in my writing and can no longer articulate things as I used to.

All I want to do is binge, purge and fast. I can feel any remnants of sanity crumbling and I’m pretty sure that if I buckle and fold, I’ll stay there, permanently on my knees. And I won’t even make an attempt to get up. The fact is, no one really gives a shit; no one thinks I’ll get to my goal weight. But it’s long past the point whereby it is solely about losing weight as a means of control, it is a means of control in itself, and losing weight would just be a bonus.

I don’t care if I’m risking my future, my health, my friendships, whatever, for this. I don’t care who I make hate me in the process; I don't care if I lose everyone and isolate myself completely, infact, it would help.

I hate what this makes me, but I need this so fucking badly.

I am too much.

I need you to know that we'll be okay, together we'll make it through another day.

For Miss Tanya Dashwood.
Thank you for getting through to me when no one else could, thank you for refusing to give up on me even when I gave up on myself, Thank you for never losing sight of who I am, Thank you for accepting me at both my best and worst, Thank you for showing me everything you are and allowing me to do so in return, Thank you for not judging me by circumstances, Thank you for accepting who I am and who I was, Thank you for making me laugh every day when for the most part all I’ve wanted to do was cry, Thank you for all you stand for and for refusing to change your values for anyone, Thank you for showing me what I’m worth, Thank you for not letting this define me, Thank you for showing me that there is so much more to life, Thank you for never doubting me, Thank you for giving me something to believe in, Thank you for hearing me when no one else does, Thank you for never giving up trying, Thank you for changing my cant’s into can’s and my won’ts into will’s, Thank you for never condemning me for my mistakes and failures, Thank you for sharing my victories with me, Thank you for never underestimating me, Thank you for proving me wrong, Thank you for showing me hope amid the darkness, Thank you for being one of the biggest entities in my life, Thank you for all that you’ve done for me and all that you continue to do for me, Thank you for giving me a sense of meaning, Thank you for being amazing beyond comprehension, Thank you for showing me that you can never set your aspirations too high, Thank you for loving me for both my strengths and weakness, Thank you for being all that you are, Thank you for inspiring me a little more every day. Thank you for being one of the most incredible people I will ever meet in my life.

22/8/2011

So I temporarily deactivated my other facebook, to be honest, I’m not all too sure why; I guess dealing with people got too much, and frankly I’d rather be alone to focus on my eating disorder. It’s so much easier when no one cares. Too easy. I don’t deserve to talk to people, I’m not worth their words, and the more I talk to people, the more I come to realise that no one gets it. People say they do, when they quite clearly don’t. I'm fed up of people fucking assuming things,and saying they understand. Nothing about an eating disorder is textbook.

The thing that distinguishes e.d's from other addictions is that you're addicted to not having what you need to be able be able to function at a maintenance level. Either way, you're obsessed with food, and either way, it wins. It's a paradox, you don't eat, you're obsessed with food, you eat- you're obsessed with food. there is never an inbetween. There is never a balance.

The other night I lay in bed fantasising (is that even the right word in this context?!) about being mauled by dogs and seeing my flesh being ripped away from the bone. Maybe then, and only then, I’d be thin enough. This is the type of shit that keeps me awake at night. and yes, this is pretty much exactly what I'm thinking every time I go silent in lectures and 'stand' on the tip of my toes because I can't face seeing the way my fat splays.Not that it matters anyway.

I start my second year of college in September that is, assuming I’ve passed the first year. I’m not really sure how I’ll deal with it, it pretty much drove me to the edge last year and I know that this year is going to be a lot more testing. I don’t even want to go back. Well I say I, I don’t even know what is me and what’s the disorder anymore, that is, if any of me is left. All I know is that my motive to go back is so that I can avoid eating. Although college will be hard, it will make things so much easier for my eating disorder. No one even cares at college; no one even notices that I have never had a full lunch. No one cares because they can't see a physical manifestation.

I don't even know how to explain how I feel; in fact, there is no way. I know I've gained, I can feel it. I hate it when people ask how you can just ‘know’, trust me, when you have an eating disorder, you just fucking know. I feel like I've lost all self control and that I deserve to die. Every morning when I wake up, it's there. All fucking day. and it doesn't leave. It won't ever leave.