Few people prepare you for the realities and responsibility that come with recovery. Suddenly you are expected to know how to eat, to cope with being alone with a full cupboard and chaotic mind and to respond to hunger in an initiative and healthy way.
Too much responsibility can be overwhelming, not empowering; when you have lived in the dark for longer than you have the light, you forget how the light can burn.
How do you know when to eat and how much when you have taught yourself not to feel these things?, when you have spent years training your receptors to not react to this instinctual need, how do you reverse this? It is hard accepting something you denied yourself.
It is true that recovery makes you incur a feeling of loss and disillusionment. Do not mistake this for longing; you will miss the presence of the disorder, but eventually, not the disorder itself.
There will be days you wish to test your own limits; to push the boundary between where you are now and where you were- It is tempting to see how narrow those boundaries are. The irony of this is that you don't want to be ill again; this is an admittance that you need, that a desire holds a greater power over you than you hold over yourself. You have a void that although vacated, seems reserved for something greater, more powerful than the confines of comprehension.
Sometimes you emerge as a person you never were, you don't return to who you were prior to the disorder. The expectation is there. This is not because the disorder is all you were, but because you have lost what you recognise as being yourself; in the midst of the disorder the lines between it and you blur, and recovery is making something from the smudge.
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
Saturday, 24 January 2015
Why it is wrong to say I am a recovered 'Bulimic':
Often, when talking about recovery we will use our affliction as a descriptive aspect of ourselves. We say this as easily as we might say our name when we introduce ourselves.
And this is fundamentally wrong; When we have spent so many years bound by it, and many more trying to escape being classified within a neat box labelling that which is otherwise inexplicable, referring to ourselves as if our afflictions were us isn't justified.
Arguably, whilst they play a fundamental role in creating who we are in the present, it is vital to remember that they are not, and never were a part of you. Your eating disorder never defined you as a person, and you should not let it define who you are in recovery either.
Realising this is truly what recovery is about; the disassociation between the disorder and yourself.
So from now on, I will stop saying 'recovered bulimic' and start saying 'Recovered from bulimia'
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
What no one told you.
In the immediate aftermath, and the years that follow- you cannot help but to ask yourself why- why me? You will plague yourself with this day after day. You cannot see how you can live with this; the thing that keeps you awake at night, that makes you scared of your own footsteps because you don't recognise them as your own, that makes you flinch when someone passes too close. You cannot imagine a life where you don't fear going out, where you can see them and you no longer feel afraid.
You will question whether this is even possible; that you can have a life without this ruling you. You will ask yourself what you could've done differently. You will tell yourself it was your fault; that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You won't look outwardly and see that the problem was never with yourself.
You will blame yourself for the action of another, you will not see that this is the consequence of someone else's choice. You will not understand that it is not something you have to live with everyday, because you were never in the wrong.
But I promise, there will come a day when you start to see again; where you know it never was your fault, where you free yourself from the chains you realise were never bound.
Until that day, hold on to the belief that it is absolutely possible to live a life that isn't confined to the shadows, know that you are still the person you always were. And that the bad lies in them, and not with you.
You will question whether this is even possible; that you can have a life without this ruling you. You will ask yourself what you could've done differently. You will tell yourself it was your fault; that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You won't look outwardly and see that the problem was never with yourself.
You will blame yourself for the action of another, you will not see that this is the consequence of someone else's choice. You will not understand that it is not something you have to live with everyday, because you were never in the wrong.
But I promise, there will come a day when you start to see again; where you know it never was your fault, where you free yourself from the chains you realise were never bound.
Until that day, hold on to the belief that it is absolutely possible to live a life that isn't confined to the shadows, know that you are still the person you always were. And that the bad lies in them, and not with you.
Saturday, 28 June 2014
A long way back to the light.
This is a post that has taken much contemplation and an awful lot of reflection, and at best has been painful to write. But I am ever grateful for the fact that I am in a position to write these words. Two years ago, I made my last post on here- it was a prose of two halves, and I am sure that some of its content left much to be asked, and I feel like I am now in a position to give those long awaited answers.
In the October of 2011, I was in the back of an ambulance facing the reality that my heart was slowly stopping. I remember laying there and feeling myself fade away, there was nothing anyone could've done to stop it; it came as easily as sleep does when you've tried so hard to fight it. I remember feeling my heart slow to a standstill, and then darkness. For the first time I felt weightless. I didn't expect death to be so easy, so dignified. There is a certain sadistic irony in the fact that sometimes it takes dying to make you realise how much you've always wanted to live. But it was too late for me to fight, I welcomed it with open arms, and I knew I was home. How strange it was when I found myself still here, still breathing. I knew I had been set free.
People will always tell you that coming close to dying gives you a new found appreciation for life, that is not necessarily true; when you have lived and part of you has died inside, you become resentful. Resentful of the fact that you had a world of- with hindsight- seemingly endless possibilities, and you wasted it trying to find the quickest exit. What happens is your new life- your real life- becomes more refined; all your dreams, all your goals, you become all too aware of just how mundane they were. You start to claim every aspect of your being; all your mistakes, all your failures, you learn to embrace them, because they are some of the only things you will ever truly own in all their entirety. The most awakening thing you will ever learn is that you are the only certain thing you have in your life. You know you are on borrowed time. No one is born into this world knowing what it is to want to die, but some of us are born with a noose around our neck, and our existence is out there just waiting to weigh us down.
The hardest thing you will ever hear is someone say you can never fully recover; I think that those words were my strongest deterrent- if I would spend the rest of my days waiting to have to fight a war I thought I had already won, why would I invest my time in something that would only leave me bankrupt again?. Some people may feel that is the truth for them, but it is not my truth. Although, I would be lying if I said there wasn't harder days, but I can honestly say there is never a day I have truly thought in my heart that going back would be better than where I am now. And to me, that's what recovery is; knowing you have proved you are strong enough to not need to go back, and that fact alone being enough to keep you grounded. It would be easy to let it consume me again, but my belief in myself has become so strong that it cannot be tamed.
People will often ask how you recovered, it is difficult when you do not know yourself. I think I stopped seeing recovery as the ultimate goal, and instead started viewing each meal as a challenge, and merely as a step in the process towards where I needed to be. It still remains a mystery to me as to how I sat with those overwhelming thoughts, it is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. There is no magic cure; it is a struggle, and it is not graceful and it is not pretty, but what it is, is worthwhile. Recovery is a sum of all of those small victories, but it amounts to something so much greater than you'd ever thought.
Those who have not been unfortunate enough to be touched by an eating disorder take forgranted what it is to be able to sit at the dinner table and eat without having to try; They can't understand how someone can reject the one thing that should be instinctual to them. What recovery is is being able to appreciate all of that; to know you can get up each day, and eat without that voice there to tell you that you shouldn't, or that you can't, and to speak and for it to really be you.
It is indisputable that I have gained more than I have lost, now that I am able to say the words that previously seemed impossible- 'I am recovered'. I finished college in 2012 with a better grade than I had anticipated, which proved to me beyond all doubt, that despite it all, the struggle was worth it. I am currently in my second year of a Business and Marketing degree, and with each day coming closer to finding who I really am, and who I have always been. I have three beautiful bunnies who allow me to utilise the time I would've spent obsessing over disordered thoughts and behaviors, in to letting them know they are loved beyond measure. I have a beautiful home that has been filled with memories, and its walls have echoed the sound of much laughter. I have met the man who saves me every single day, who I am lucky enough to be marrying,and just happens to be my best friend. I can't wait to have our own family, because I never thought I would be healthy enough to be in that position, and there are some people in this life that will never get the chance to experience that. Even at twenty, it feels I have already lived one life time, and how very blessed I am to have the chance to do it again, and to do it right.
Recovery is real, and it is out there.
In the October of 2011, I was in the back of an ambulance facing the reality that my heart was slowly stopping. I remember laying there and feeling myself fade away, there was nothing anyone could've done to stop it; it came as easily as sleep does when you've tried so hard to fight it. I remember feeling my heart slow to a standstill, and then darkness. For the first time I felt weightless. I didn't expect death to be so easy, so dignified. There is a certain sadistic irony in the fact that sometimes it takes dying to make you realise how much you've always wanted to live. But it was too late for me to fight, I welcomed it with open arms, and I knew I was home. How strange it was when I found myself still here, still breathing. I knew I had been set free.
People will always tell you that coming close to dying gives you a new found appreciation for life, that is not necessarily true; when you have lived and part of you has died inside, you become resentful. Resentful of the fact that you had a world of- with hindsight- seemingly endless possibilities, and you wasted it trying to find the quickest exit. What happens is your new life- your real life- becomes more refined; all your dreams, all your goals, you become all too aware of just how mundane they were. You start to claim every aspect of your being; all your mistakes, all your failures, you learn to embrace them, because they are some of the only things you will ever truly own in all their entirety. The most awakening thing you will ever learn is that you are the only certain thing you have in your life. You know you are on borrowed time. No one is born into this world knowing what it is to want to die, but some of us are born with a noose around our neck, and our existence is out there just waiting to weigh us down.
The hardest thing you will ever hear is someone say you can never fully recover; I think that those words were my strongest deterrent- if I would spend the rest of my days waiting to have to fight a war I thought I had already won, why would I invest my time in something that would only leave me bankrupt again?. Some people may feel that is the truth for them, but it is not my truth. Although, I would be lying if I said there wasn't harder days, but I can honestly say there is never a day I have truly thought in my heart that going back would be better than where I am now. And to me, that's what recovery is; knowing you have proved you are strong enough to not need to go back, and that fact alone being enough to keep you grounded. It would be easy to let it consume me again, but my belief in myself has become so strong that it cannot be tamed.
People will often ask how you recovered, it is difficult when you do not know yourself. I think I stopped seeing recovery as the ultimate goal, and instead started viewing each meal as a challenge, and merely as a step in the process towards where I needed to be. It still remains a mystery to me as to how I sat with those overwhelming thoughts, it is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. There is no magic cure; it is a struggle, and it is not graceful and it is not pretty, but what it is, is worthwhile. Recovery is a sum of all of those small victories, but it amounts to something so much greater than you'd ever thought.
Those who have not been unfortunate enough to be touched by an eating disorder take forgranted what it is to be able to sit at the dinner table and eat without having to try; They can't understand how someone can reject the one thing that should be instinctual to them. What recovery is is being able to appreciate all of that; to know you can get up each day, and eat without that voice there to tell you that you shouldn't, or that you can't, and to speak and for it to really be you.
It is indisputable that I have gained more than I have lost, now that I am able to say the words that previously seemed impossible- 'I am recovered'. I finished college in 2012 with a better grade than I had anticipated, which proved to me beyond all doubt, that despite it all, the struggle was worth it. I am currently in my second year of a Business and Marketing degree, and with each day coming closer to finding who I really am, and who I have always been. I have three beautiful bunnies who allow me to utilise the time I would've spent obsessing over disordered thoughts and behaviors, in to letting them know they are loved beyond measure. I have a beautiful home that has been filled with memories, and its walls have echoed the sound of much laughter. I have met the man who saves me every single day, who I am lucky enough to be marrying,and just happens to be my best friend. I can't wait to have our own family, because I never thought I would be healthy enough to be in that position, and there are some people in this life that will never get the chance to experience that. Even at twenty, it feels I have already lived one life time, and how very blessed I am to have the chance to do it again, and to do it right.
Recovery is real, and it is out there.
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Ryan,
Do you remember last year when I was in the back of an ambulance and you didn't even know me properly back then, well not enough to do what you did, but you were the first person to contact me to ask if I was okay. Remember how that weekend you took me home to yours and looked after me until I was well enough again? Remember how you took my hand, looked me in the eye and told me we'd get through that meal together? Well I'll never forget, because right then- that was exactly what I needed and I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that you were the one to do it. Because it was in those moments that I started to believe in love.
There were so many times when you could've given up, so many times I tried to push you away, yet you knew that was just a defense because I felt threatened, and that really, more than anything- I needed someone, and you were determined to be that someone, and for the first time I felt like someone cared enough to give me a reason to try. It's scary how it takes coming close to dying to make you realise how much there is to live for.
If there's one thing I've learnt from you, it's that there is always hope, you just have to be brave enough to open your eyes and see it, and when I couldn't, you always saw for me. Thank you for all those nights you stayed awake whilst I asked questions about life and the world, too scared of the answers that I so desperately needed. Thank you for every tear you cried with me when things got hard. Thank you for not only helping me through my defeats, but celebrating my victories with me too - but most of all, thank you for not giving up through it all.
Thank you for not allowing me to lose myself and in doing so, helping me find who I am; it's not enough to say I wouldn't be half the person I am today without you, because I know without a doubt, if it hadn't been for you on that day, I wouldn't be writing this now. And I mean that in the most literal sense possible.
Even though things were so bad then that it hurts even now, I'll always manage to find a way to look at those times as the happiest of my life- just because you were there.
I used to be so scared of the future and all of it's uncertainty, but because of you I'm learning to embrace it. Thank you for not only putting everything into perspective, but for giving it a context too. I love how I could tell you anything and nothing I could ever say would change anything and all too often you've known when you needed to be there without me needing to say anything. Thank you for always seeing right through me and breaking down all the barriers I'd spend years building and trying to maintain. You will always know me better than anyone else because you're the only person I've ever shown fully who I am. I feel such a connection with you and sometimes it feels like I've known you forever. I know it's a cliche, but thank you for not only being my boyfriend, but my best friend, and at times, my only friend.
Since I've been with you there hasn't been a day that we haven't found something to laugh or smile about and I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that I get to wake up to you every day. Thank you for not only making me feel safe, but making me feel safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. Thank you for allowing me to not only show you my strengths, but my weaknesses too.
Thank you for all that you've done, and all that you continue to do for me- I owe you my life.
Happy Birthday Baby!
I hope you have a brilliant day- you really do deserve it after everything you've been through. I've tried to make everything perfect so today can be just how I hoped it would be before you.
Hope you enjoy your surprise!
All my love forever,
Bex <3
Do you remember last year when I was in the back of an ambulance and you didn't even know me properly back then, well not enough to do what you did, but you were the first person to contact me to ask if I was okay. Remember how that weekend you took me home to yours and looked after me until I was well enough again? Remember how you took my hand, looked me in the eye and told me we'd get through that meal together? Well I'll never forget, because right then- that was exactly what I needed and I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that you were the one to do it. Because it was in those moments that I started to believe in love.
There were so many times when you could've given up, so many times I tried to push you away, yet you knew that was just a defense because I felt threatened, and that really, more than anything- I needed someone, and you were determined to be that someone, and for the first time I felt like someone cared enough to give me a reason to try. It's scary how it takes coming close to dying to make you realise how much there is to live for.
If there's one thing I've learnt from you, it's that there is always hope, you just have to be brave enough to open your eyes and see it, and when I couldn't, you always saw for me. Thank you for all those nights you stayed awake whilst I asked questions about life and the world, too scared of the answers that I so desperately needed. Thank you for every tear you cried with me when things got hard. Thank you for not only helping me through my defeats, but celebrating my victories with me too - but most of all, thank you for not giving up through it all.
Thank you for not allowing me to lose myself and in doing so, helping me find who I am; it's not enough to say I wouldn't be half the person I am today without you, because I know without a doubt, if it hadn't been for you on that day, I wouldn't be writing this now. And I mean that in the most literal sense possible.
Even though things were so bad then that it hurts even now, I'll always manage to find a way to look at those times as the happiest of my life- just because you were there.
I used to be so scared of the future and all of it's uncertainty, but because of you I'm learning to embrace it. Thank you for not only putting everything into perspective, but for giving it a context too. I love how I could tell you anything and nothing I could ever say would change anything and all too often you've known when you needed to be there without me needing to say anything. Thank you for always seeing right through me and breaking down all the barriers I'd spend years building and trying to maintain. You will always know me better than anyone else because you're the only person I've ever shown fully who I am. I feel such a connection with you and sometimes it feels like I've known you forever. I know it's a cliche, but thank you for not only being my boyfriend, but my best friend, and at times, my only friend.
Since I've been with you there hasn't been a day that we haven't found something to laugh or smile about and I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that I get to wake up to you every day. Thank you for not only making me feel safe, but making me feel safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. Thank you for allowing me to not only show you my strengths, but my weaknesses too.
Thank you for all that you've done, and all that you continue to do for me- I owe you my life.
Happy Birthday Baby!
I hope you have a brilliant day- you really do deserve it after everything you've been through. I've tried to make everything perfect so today can be just how I hoped it would be before you.
Hope you enjoy your surprise!
All my love forever,
Bex <3
Friday, 30 March 2012
Dear Ryan,
So yet again I’m trying to find a way to write a letter that does justice to my thoughts, yet the more I try, the more I feel that perhaps there isn’t a way to do so, because words are simply not enough.
Lately I know it seems like the odds are stacked against you, and I can see that you’re trying so hard to keep it together, and that for the most part, you can’t see a way out of this because you don’t think there is one, but the moment you give up hope is the moment you admit defeat, and I know for a fact that you won’t go down without a fight. No matter how much you pretend you’re fine, I can still see in your eyes how broken you are and how when you turn your head away, you’re trying not to cry. Sometimes it feels like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders; you make everything your responsibility even when it’s outside of the realms of your control because that’s the kind of person you are; always looking at what you could’ve done instead of what you did. I know what is it to try and try and not get anywhere whilst everything else spirals out of control around you and you don’t know what you can do to prevent yourself from falling, and how you try so hard to hold on, but you don’t know what you’re holding on to. But sometimes you have to come near to losing everything to realise what you have to hold on to.
I know there are days when you contemplate falling back into old ways because going backwards seems easier than trying to move forwards or remaining in the same place, and although I know you’re better than that, and so do you, I know how once an idea has implanted itself, it stays there at the back of your mind and manifests itself to the point it seems like the only way. I know you value yourself too much to go back, because deep down you know its not an option because you’ve worked hard to get where you are today and you know you have too much to lose. Throughout everything I’ve endured, you have shown me that there is always hope, no matter how small that hope may be, and that it’s that hope that will get you through and I can only wish that you will one day find that hope for yourself.
Before you I had lost all sense of purpose and was adamant there was nothing life had left for me that would pull me out of that mentality, but then you came along and suddenly everything began to make sense and I knew I had something worth fighting for. And ever since that day, I have not regretted a single moment. Everything I’ve surfaced from and everything I’ve overcome is because of you. Every day I face is another day I face because I know I have you; every morning I get out of bed is because I know you’ll be there, and everyday that I drag myself through is because I know you’ll still be there at the end of the day. You came into my life when I needed you the most, and you have saved me everyday since. You’ve proved to me that it is possible to want to spend everyday with someone and share the rest of your life with them and be prepared to go to any lengths in order to do so. I’m no longer scared of the future because no matter how far forward I look, you’re there, previously, the idea of a tomorrow seemed too much, but now I’ve got something not only with which to put my life in terms of a lifetime into perspective, but to give it a context- and that something is you. You’re my reason for everything, everything I do, I do for or because of you. You’ve stood beside me at my greatest moments and stuck by me through me worst, and I can only ever hope to do the same for you. No matter how much I tried to convince everyone else and myself that I was okay, you’d always see right through me, and in that respect, you will always know me better than anyone else ever could, thank you for being not only my boyfriend, but my best friend, and sometimes my only friend.
The more time I spend with you, the more I realise that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and every time I say I love you, I mean it more than the last. I never want you to feel like I don’t want you, because you’re the one thing I want more than anything, and to lose you would be to lose everything. You shine far brighter than anyone I’ve ever known and no one will ever compare to you. I know that the uncertainty of the future scares you, but one thing you can be certain of is that I will be there. We’ve gone against the odds for nearly six months, what’s there to say we can’t do it for the next six years? Because ultimately, our fear of losing each other outweighs anything that could ever be put in front of us.
I love you <3
So yet again I’m trying to find a way to write a letter that does justice to my thoughts, yet the more I try, the more I feel that perhaps there isn’t a way to do so, because words are simply not enough.
Lately I know it seems like the odds are stacked against you, and I can see that you’re trying so hard to keep it together, and that for the most part, you can’t see a way out of this because you don’t think there is one, but the moment you give up hope is the moment you admit defeat, and I know for a fact that you won’t go down without a fight. No matter how much you pretend you’re fine, I can still see in your eyes how broken you are and how when you turn your head away, you’re trying not to cry. Sometimes it feels like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders; you make everything your responsibility even when it’s outside of the realms of your control because that’s the kind of person you are; always looking at what you could’ve done instead of what you did. I know what is it to try and try and not get anywhere whilst everything else spirals out of control around you and you don’t know what you can do to prevent yourself from falling, and how you try so hard to hold on, but you don’t know what you’re holding on to. But sometimes you have to come near to losing everything to realise what you have to hold on to.
I know there are days when you contemplate falling back into old ways because going backwards seems easier than trying to move forwards or remaining in the same place, and although I know you’re better than that, and so do you, I know how once an idea has implanted itself, it stays there at the back of your mind and manifests itself to the point it seems like the only way. I know you value yourself too much to go back, because deep down you know its not an option because you’ve worked hard to get where you are today and you know you have too much to lose. Throughout everything I’ve endured, you have shown me that there is always hope, no matter how small that hope may be, and that it’s that hope that will get you through and I can only wish that you will one day find that hope for yourself.
Before you I had lost all sense of purpose and was adamant there was nothing life had left for me that would pull me out of that mentality, but then you came along and suddenly everything began to make sense and I knew I had something worth fighting for. And ever since that day, I have not regretted a single moment. Everything I’ve surfaced from and everything I’ve overcome is because of you. Every day I face is another day I face because I know I have you; every morning I get out of bed is because I know you’ll be there, and everyday that I drag myself through is because I know you’ll still be there at the end of the day. You came into my life when I needed you the most, and you have saved me everyday since. You’ve proved to me that it is possible to want to spend everyday with someone and share the rest of your life with them and be prepared to go to any lengths in order to do so. I’m no longer scared of the future because no matter how far forward I look, you’re there, previously, the idea of a tomorrow seemed too much, but now I’ve got something not only with which to put my life in terms of a lifetime into perspective, but to give it a context- and that something is you. You’re my reason for everything, everything I do, I do for or because of you. You’ve stood beside me at my greatest moments and stuck by me through me worst, and I can only ever hope to do the same for you. No matter how much I tried to convince everyone else and myself that I was okay, you’d always see right through me, and in that respect, you will always know me better than anyone else ever could, thank you for being not only my boyfriend, but my best friend, and sometimes my only friend.
The more time I spend with you, the more I realise that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and every time I say I love you, I mean it more than the last. I never want you to feel like I don’t want you, because you’re the one thing I want more than anything, and to lose you would be to lose everything. You shine far brighter than anyone I’ve ever known and no one will ever compare to you. I know that the uncertainty of the future scares you, but one thing you can be certain of is that I will be there. We’ve gone against the odds for nearly six months, what’s there to say we can’t do it for the next six years? Because ultimately, our fear of losing each other outweighs anything that could ever be put in front of us.
I love you <3
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Three months on, the words have finally come to me. Back in October, I made the conscious decision to live; not just to survive, but to live every moment in it's greatest sense; to appreciate every breath i take and every beat of my heart, reminding me i'm alive. And for the first time, that feeling no longer scares me. No matter how hard things get, I wont ever forget the feeling when I realised that I was strong enough to fight; that my will to live was far stronger than my eating disorder will ever be. With each day that passes I know I get a step closer to living outside of the realms of my e.d and learning who I am. I know that with each breath I take, I'm fighting. Today it hurts me to know that I spent three years of my life trying to kill myself a little more each day, and I constantly wonder if things would've been the same had I known back then where I'd be today. Slowly I am allowing myself to be the person I have always been underneath, and I'm learning to like myself. And nothing in the world will ever equate to that feeling. 
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Dear Ryan,
There isn’t really a definitive starting point to this, but I guess it doesn’t really matter where I start, because this would still say the same thing anyway; I could start anywhere and the meaning wouldn’t change.
I have never trusted anyone as fully, or as quickly as I have come to trust you. When I told you about my past, for the first time, I didn’t feel like a burden and I felt able to talk about everything at its fullest extent without fear of judgement. The fact that your view of me didn’t change astounded me; you told me that you’d always be there for me, and I believed you, but it wasn’t till I had my health complications back in October that you really gave me a reason to. You were the only person who wasn’t scared for me and let me know they would be there no matter what happened as a result, and you have no idea how much that meant, and still means, to me.
Not only have you given me a reason to be happy, but you’ve taught me to find happiness in everything no matter how mundane it may seem, because you never know how fleeting that happiness may be. When I’m with you, whatever stresses or struggles that have occurred in the day, mean nothing, just being with you makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive, and the fact that I have you will always outweigh whatever else is going on. On days when life seems too much, it is the thought of you and your belief in me that gets me through, and in moments of fear, it is my love for you that helps me face them. I wear the necklace you got my everyday as it serves as a reminder of you, and when I look at it, I feel less alone.
I feel so safe when I’m with you and the fact that my main compulsions are dormant when I’m with you is testament to this. I feel so comfortable around you; from wearing my jeans tucked into my socks, to walking round with a towel turban on my head, to chilling in my trackies, to falling at your feet, and not even feeling remotely embarrassed by any of this. I enjoy every moment we spend together; when I’m with you there is not a second I’m not smiling, or a minute I don’t laugh.
Sometimes it feels like you’ve known me forever; you hear the words I have to say before I say them, and you always know the right thing to say and what to do no matter what the situation. You have an uncanny ability to read me to the point you pick up when something’s wrong before I’ve chosen to acknowledge the fact myself. Within the past few months you have broken down more barriers than others have in years, and challenged my thoughts on a daily basis, and for the first time, I was willing to let someone do that.
I know you’re not proud of your past, and although I didn’t know you back then in order to be in a position to say I’ve seen the change that resulted from it, I admire how you turned it around. Because ultimately, it’s not about what you lose in life, it’s what you do with what you have left that counts. I love you for all that you are and for your past because I know that without it you wouldn’t be who you are today.
I know there are days when you look in the mirror and hate your reflection and don’t feel good enough, I know what it’s like because I’ve been there- and it pains me to know that you think like that. I can only wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, and then maybe you’d get an insight into your worth.
Know that no matter what you do, I will support you in all your endeavours and be there through the highs, the lows and the mediocre. I want to see you through whatever life throws at you; your achievements and successes, your challenges and your defeats. I value your happiness more than anything and I’ll do anything to ensure you always have a smile on your face.
All my love,
Becky ♥
'I was perfectly happy killing myself but then you asked me to try, and for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that person was worth trying for.'
There isn’t really a definitive starting point to this, but I guess it doesn’t really matter where I start, because this would still say the same thing anyway; I could start anywhere and the meaning wouldn’t change.
I have never trusted anyone as fully, or as quickly as I have come to trust you. When I told you about my past, for the first time, I didn’t feel like a burden and I felt able to talk about everything at its fullest extent without fear of judgement. The fact that your view of me didn’t change astounded me; you told me that you’d always be there for me, and I believed you, but it wasn’t till I had my health complications back in October that you really gave me a reason to. You were the only person who wasn’t scared for me and let me know they would be there no matter what happened as a result, and you have no idea how much that meant, and still means, to me.
Not only have you given me a reason to be happy, but you’ve taught me to find happiness in everything no matter how mundane it may seem, because you never know how fleeting that happiness may be. When I’m with you, whatever stresses or struggles that have occurred in the day, mean nothing, just being with you makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive, and the fact that I have you will always outweigh whatever else is going on. On days when life seems too much, it is the thought of you and your belief in me that gets me through, and in moments of fear, it is my love for you that helps me face them. I wear the necklace you got my everyday as it serves as a reminder of you, and when I look at it, I feel less alone.
I feel so safe when I’m with you and the fact that my main compulsions are dormant when I’m with you is testament to this. I feel so comfortable around you; from wearing my jeans tucked into my socks, to walking round with a towel turban on my head, to chilling in my trackies, to falling at your feet, and not even feeling remotely embarrassed by any of this. I enjoy every moment we spend together; when I’m with you there is not a second I’m not smiling, or a minute I don’t laugh.
Sometimes it feels like you’ve known me forever; you hear the words I have to say before I say them, and you always know the right thing to say and what to do no matter what the situation. You have an uncanny ability to read me to the point you pick up when something’s wrong before I’ve chosen to acknowledge the fact myself. Within the past few months you have broken down more barriers than others have in years, and challenged my thoughts on a daily basis, and for the first time, I was willing to let someone do that.
I know you’re not proud of your past, and although I didn’t know you back then in order to be in a position to say I’ve seen the change that resulted from it, I admire how you turned it around. Because ultimately, it’s not about what you lose in life, it’s what you do with what you have left that counts. I love you for all that you are and for your past because I know that without it you wouldn’t be who you are today.
I know there are days when you look in the mirror and hate your reflection and don’t feel good enough, I know what it’s like because I’ve been there- and it pains me to know that you think like that. I can only wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, and then maybe you’d get an insight into your worth.
Know that no matter what you do, I will support you in all your endeavours and be there through the highs, the lows and the mediocre. I want to see you through whatever life throws at you; your achievements and successes, your challenges and your defeats. I value your happiness more than anything and I’ll do anything to ensure you always have a smile on your face.
All my love,
Becky ♥
'I was perfectly happy killing myself but then you asked me to try, and for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that person was worth trying for.'
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
27/9/2011
So I'm back at college now; I'm only in three days a week, so that's something I suppose. I imagine assignments will be starting either this week or the next, and I know I won't be able to get into it, I'm worried about fucking up time management and over complicating things for myself. We haven't even started proper lectures yet and I'm already starting to bend under the stress of it all, well, I say stress, there's nothing actually going on to trigger stress at the moment, so I dread to think how the rest of the year is going to pan out. I really don't know why I went back. I feel as if everyone's staring at me all of the time, and I just want to dissapear. I purged coke at a party on Saturday and spent a good few hours sat in the dark shivering,and on Sunday I chewed and spat mini chocolate brownie squares. I am disgusting. Today I managed to convince my parents I ate a whole quiche, when really it was in my pocket and sleeves, this was whilst my mum was sat two seats away from me. I don't know how she didn't notice, all I know is I'm glad she didn't. Even water seems too much; I can just feel it sitting there, mounting up, getting heavier and heavier like I'm drowning from the inside out. I feel so needy all of the time. I deserve nothing. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, I'm too afraid; afraid they'll make assumptions that are correct but I'll always deny. I'm not losing, only gaining. I swear I'm going to be stuck at this weight forever, maybe I deserve to be fat, to wear my failure. I feel like in the years this has been with me, I have lost everything except weight. Every time I stand up I get the light-headedness that I crave, but it's never satisfying enough, I need to faint to know I'm suceeding. I just want my internal organs to give out one by one; to know that every breath I take, every day I make it through, I become a little more lifeless; to feel that final murmur, and finally taste sucess.
Friday, 16 September 2011
16/9/2011
I don't feel hollow. I don't feel like a void that needs to be filled. That's gone. I feel nothing. I'm just a person with thoughts and actions, but no feelings. Nothing I do seems as if it will have an affect or any larger impact on my life. I can't think as far forward as tomorrow, let alone about what I want in the grand scheme of things. I know that applies to so many people, but i just can't think that far forward and I don't want to. I can't think about one minute from the next, but at the same time I'm not spontenous. I don't know what I am. I don't feel dead inside. I don't feel alive either. I don't feel stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks that sometimes the only reason I face my fears is because somewhere in my mind I think that if the worst does happen, it wont be happening to me. I don't even feel like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I don't feel like i'm experiencing it either. I want to go. But I know that won't change anything, because I'm sure it would pretty much by the same as how i feel, or more to the point, don't feel, now. When you think like this, you don't know how to explain it to anyone, as far as you're concerned, there is nothing to explain. How could you even attempt to get help if you have nothing to talk about? Literally, nothing. Because there are no feelings and no situations. everything seems so irrelavant. I'm doing things I wouldn't normally, acting in ways I wouldn't usually- and I have no idea why. I know this isn't me, but at the same time, I don't know what is me. There is no longer a line dividing where the eating disorder finishes and I begin. I am it and it is me. I want to eat nothing and everything all at the same time. I can't say I can't deal with life, because there's nothing to deal with. I just want to feel whole. Not whole again, because the word again suggests reverting back to a previous or original state. I just want so much more than this. I don't feel like a work in progress as there will never be a culmination. There's an emptiness inside my head, not even that achey emptiness that you can almost feel it's presense, or rather, abscence. There's no longer that straining for thoughts, I know not to bother. I don't even seem to be responding to things; I'm so emotionless and expressionless. There is so much stimuli, and probably so much going on around me, but i can't feel it, I can't see it. I just can't. and I don't know why.
Thursday, 8 September 2011
8/9/2011
I’m not really sure why I’m writing a post, because as usual, I have very little to say. Well, it’s not that I have a lack of anything to say, it’s that I have a lack of ability to express it.
So the summer holidays are approaching an end and due to not being kept occupied with college work and such, I have had time to reflect on things:
I really wish I had something to show for this summer; I wish I’d lost weight , but i’ve fucking gained. I am terrified to go back to college. I’m scared shitless about seeing everyone again and having to face everyone again knowing that I’ve gained, I’m worried it’s going to go even more tits up than last year; that everyone will settle back down into it and no matter how hard I try to keep up, I just won’t be able to. I am having a hard time trying to convince myself I care, but a larger part of me is so scared of failing and will do anything to avoid it. It’s obvious to anyone I have lost all clarity in my writing and can no longer articulate things as I used to.
All I want to do is binge, purge and fast. I can feel any remnants of sanity crumbling and I’m pretty sure that if I buckle and fold, I’ll stay there, permanently on my knees. And I won’t even make an attempt to get up. The fact is, no one really gives a shit; no one thinks I’ll get to my goal weight. But it’s long past the point whereby it is solely about losing weight as a means of control, it is a means of control in itself, and losing weight would just be a bonus.
I don’t care if I’m risking my future, my health, my friendships, whatever, for this. I don’t care who I make hate me in the process; I don't care if I lose everyone and isolate myself completely, infact, it would help.
I hate what this makes me, but I need this so fucking badly.
I am too much.
So the summer holidays are approaching an end and due to not being kept occupied with college work and such, I have had time to reflect on things:
I really wish I had something to show for this summer; I wish I’d lost weight , but i’ve fucking gained. I am terrified to go back to college. I’m scared shitless about seeing everyone again and having to face everyone again knowing that I’ve gained, I’m worried it’s going to go even more tits up than last year; that everyone will settle back down into it and no matter how hard I try to keep up, I just won’t be able to. I am having a hard time trying to convince myself I care, but a larger part of me is so scared of failing and will do anything to avoid it. It’s obvious to anyone I have lost all clarity in my writing and can no longer articulate things as I used to.
All I want to do is binge, purge and fast. I can feel any remnants of sanity crumbling and I’m pretty sure that if I buckle and fold, I’ll stay there, permanently on my knees. And I won’t even make an attempt to get up. The fact is, no one really gives a shit; no one thinks I’ll get to my goal weight. But it’s long past the point whereby it is solely about losing weight as a means of control, it is a means of control in itself, and losing weight would just be a bonus.
I don’t care if I’m risking my future, my health, my friendships, whatever, for this. I don’t care who I make hate me in the process; I don't care if I lose everyone and isolate myself completely, infact, it would help.
I hate what this makes me, but I need this so fucking badly.
I am too much.
Saturday, 27 August 2011
I need you to know that we'll be okay, together we'll make it through another day.
For Miss Tanya Dashwood.
Thank you for getting through to me when no one else could, thank you for refusing to give up on me even when I gave up on myself, Thank you for never losing sight of who I am, Thank you for accepting me at both my best and worst, Thank you for showing me everything you are and allowing me to do so in return, Thank you for not judging me by circumstances, Thank you for accepting who I am and who I was, Thank you for making me laugh every day when for the most part all I’ve wanted to do was cry, Thank you for all you stand for and for refusing to change your values for anyone, Thank you for showing me what I’m worth, Thank you for not letting this define me, Thank you for showing me that there is so much more to life, Thank you for never doubting me, Thank you for giving me something to believe in, Thank you for hearing me when no one else does, Thank you for never giving up trying, Thank you for changing my cant’s into can’s and my won’ts into will’s, Thank you for never condemning me for my mistakes and failures, Thank you for sharing my victories with me, Thank you for never underestimating me, Thank you for proving me wrong, Thank you for showing me hope amid the darkness, Thank you for being one of the biggest entities in my life, Thank you for all that you’ve done for me and all that you continue to do for me, Thank you for giving me a sense of meaning, Thank you for being amazing beyond comprehension, Thank you for showing me that you can never set your aspirations too high, Thank you for loving me for both my strengths and weakness, Thank you for being all that you are, Thank you for inspiring me a little more every day. Thank you for being one of the most incredible people I will ever meet in my life.
Thank you for getting through to me when no one else could, thank you for refusing to give up on me even when I gave up on myself, Thank you for never losing sight of who I am, Thank you for accepting me at both my best and worst, Thank you for showing me everything you are and allowing me to do so in return, Thank you for not judging me by circumstances, Thank you for accepting who I am and who I was, Thank you for making me laugh every day when for the most part all I’ve wanted to do was cry, Thank you for all you stand for and for refusing to change your values for anyone, Thank you for showing me what I’m worth, Thank you for not letting this define me, Thank you for showing me that there is so much more to life, Thank you for never doubting me, Thank you for giving me something to believe in, Thank you for hearing me when no one else does, Thank you for never giving up trying, Thank you for changing my cant’s into can’s and my won’ts into will’s, Thank you for never condemning me for my mistakes and failures, Thank you for sharing my victories with me, Thank you for never underestimating me, Thank you for proving me wrong, Thank you for showing me hope amid the darkness, Thank you for being one of the biggest entities in my life, Thank you for all that you’ve done for me and all that you continue to do for me, Thank you for giving me a sense of meaning, Thank you for being amazing beyond comprehension, Thank you for showing me that you can never set your aspirations too high, Thank you for loving me for both my strengths and weakness, Thank you for being all that you are, Thank you for inspiring me a little more every day. Thank you for being one of the most incredible people I will ever meet in my life.
Monday, 22 August 2011
22/8/2011
So I temporarily deactivated my other facebook, to be honest, I’m not all too sure why; I guess dealing with people got too much, and frankly I’d rather be alone to focus on my eating disorder. It’s so much easier when no one cares. Too easy. I don’t deserve to talk to people, I’m not worth their words, and the more I talk to people, the more I come to realise that no one gets it. People say they do, when they quite clearly don’t. I'm fed up of people fucking assuming things,and saying they understand. Nothing about an eating disorder is textbook.
The thing that distinguishes e.d's from other addictions is that you're addicted to not having what you need to be able be able to function at a maintenance level. Either way, you're obsessed with food, and either way, it wins. It's a paradox, you don't eat, you're obsessed with food, you eat- you're obsessed with food. there is never an inbetween. There is never a balance.
The other night I lay in bed fantasising (is that even the right word in this context?!) about being mauled by dogs and seeing my flesh being ripped away from the bone. Maybe then, and only then, I’d be thin enough. This is the type of shit that keeps me awake at night. and yes, this is pretty much exactly what I'm thinking every time I go silent in lectures and 'stand' on the tip of my toes because I can't face seeing the way my fat splays.Not that it matters anyway.
I start my second year of college in September that is, assuming I’ve passed the first year. I’m not really sure how I’ll deal with it, it pretty much drove me to the edge last year and I know that this year is going to be a lot more testing. I don’t even want to go back. Well I say I, I don’t even know what is me and what’s the disorder anymore, that is, if any of me is left. All I know is that my motive to go back is so that I can avoid eating. Although college will be hard, it will make things so much easier for my eating disorder. No one even cares at college; no one even notices that I have never had a full lunch. No one cares because they can't see a physical manifestation.
I don't even know how to explain how I feel; in fact, there is no way. I know I've gained, I can feel it. I hate it when people ask how you can just ‘know’, trust me, when you have an eating disorder, you just fucking know. I feel like I've lost all self control and that I deserve to die. Every morning when I wake up, it's there. All fucking day. and it doesn't leave.It won't ever leave.
The thing that distinguishes e.d's from other addictions is that you're addicted to not having what you need to be able be able to function at a maintenance level. Either way, you're obsessed with food, and either way, it wins. It's a paradox, you don't eat, you're obsessed with food, you eat- you're obsessed with food. there is never an inbetween. There is never a balance.
The other night I lay in bed fantasising (is that even the right word in this context?!) about being mauled by dogs and seeing my flesh being ripped away from the bone. Maybe then, and only then, I’d be thin enough. This is the type of shit that keeps me awake at night. and yes, this is pretty much exactly what I'm thinking every time I go silent in lectures and 'stand' on the tip of my toes because I can't face seeing the way my fat splays.
I start my second year of college in September that is, assuming I’ve passed the first year. I’m not really sure how I’ll deal with it, it pretty much drove me to the edge last year and I know that this year is going to be a lot more testing. I don’t even want to go back. Well I say I, I don’t even know what is me and what’s the disorder anymore, that is, if any of me is left. All I know is that my motive to go back is so that I can avoid eating. Although college will be hard, it will make things so much easier for my eating disorder. No one even cares at college; no one even notices that I have never had a full lunch. No one cares because they can't see a physical manifestation.
I don't even know how to explain how I feel; in fact, there is no way. I know I've gained, I can feel it. I hate it when people ask how you can just ‘know’, trust me, when you have an eating disorder, you just fucking know. I feel like I've lost all self control and that I deserve to die. Every morning when I wake up, it's there. All fucking day. and it doesn't leave.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
27/7/2011
I can no longer relate to anything in the way I once did. And I wish I could. But nothing good ever came from wishing.
This feeling is virtually impossible to explain, in fact, for the most part, it isn’t even a feeling at all. It’s like a half existence; you feel completely removed from yourself and like whatever is happening isn’t happening to you, it’s like I’m living someone else’s life and only having thoughts, not feelings. I don’t even feel hollow or numb, that doesn’t even begin to describe it. I literally feel nothing. Nothing at all.
I have so much to say, but no longer the words to say it.
This feeling is virtually impossible to explain, in fact, for the most part, it isn’t even a feeling at all. It’s like a half existence; you feel completely removed from yourself and like whatever is happening isn’t happening to you, it’s like I’m living someone else’s life and only having thoughts, not feelings. I don’t even feel hollow or numb, that doesn’t even begin to describe it. I literally feel nothing. Nothing at all.
I have so much to say, but no longer the words to say it.
Although I've said too much, I haven't said enough.
Friday, 29 April 2011
I don't know what's keeping me here anymore.
I know what you're thinking; 'Well if you're still here, then obviously something is keeping you here, you've just got to find it', but the reality is, I don't feel I deserve to live or die; I feel as if I deserve to be stuck in the middle, never fully living, never having the freedom of dying either, to just exist.
Breathing hurts, talking hurts. Words are escaping me and nothing bears any meaning anymore. I just want to go.
I know what you're thinking; 'Well if you're still here, then obviously something is keeping you here, you've just got to find it', but the reality is, I don't feel I deserve to live or die; I feel as if I deserve to be stuck in the middle, never fully living, never having the freedom of dying either, to just exist.
Breathing hurts, talking hurts. Words are escaping me and nothing bears any meaning anymore. I just want to go.
'Well liars they leave a guilty trail, and let me tell you something- I've been lying for fucking years.'
Monday, 18 April 2011
18/4/2011
So I'm having my doubts about college again; doubts about the one thing I have actually wanted for the best part of four or five years and had the motivation to get myself into a position to be able to get myself there.
I guess I feel that because of the course I'm taking (Extended Diploma in Horse Management, for those that didn't know) everything's so final, that after this, that's it. I just feel like I'm limiting myself to something that ultimately, I may not want to do. Sometimes I think that maybe I should be doing something more conventional, more academic, because that's always been used to deter me.
To be honest, noone really wanted me to do this from the beginning; noone thought that me, the Dyspraxic of the family, should go into such a manual labour based industry. My mum had always told me I'd never be able to ride, and when I did pass my riding asessment she said she didn't think I'd pass it; I think that's the first time my determination ever showed through, the first time I said 'You know what, maybe people don't think I should be doing this, maybe people don't think I can do it- but you know what?, I'm sure as hell going to prove them wrong.'.
But now, my hearts just not in it. I've lost my drive. Once upon a time there was so much I wanted from life, all most too much for the time that I'll probably get,and I suppose I worry that one day, if I want that again, then I won't be in a position to go after it all. I guess I'm an all or nothing person.
I just don't know what I want anymore, infact- I don't think I want anything. Prehaps I do, but I just can't see it at the moment because I'm too blinded by everything else.
So earlier this evening I was talking to a friend of mine and weight & exercise came into the conversation, and totally without thinking I said quite possibly one of the most stupid things you could possibly say to someone, I had basically quoted a pro- ED affirmation. I'm fully aware of how it comes across and I think this may be the first time that the inner voice has actually outwardly expressed itself, and frankly- that scares the shit out of me. I'm fully aware of how it comes across and I think this may be the first time that the inner voice has actually outwardly expressed itself, and frankly- that scares the shit out of me. I don't want for my thoughts to influence others, so I'm going to have to work on censoring them.
Talking of things that scare the shit out of me, it's Easter next Sunday. In my house-hold we do an egg-hunt in the morning and divide them equally between the six of us, and then after that we're responsible for choosing what we do with them.And that's what scares me, that if I get hungry- food's there. I'm scared of what will happen if I lose control.
I have to be strong.
Mind over matter.
I guess I feel that because of the course I'm taking (Extended Diploma in Horse Management, for those that didn't know) everything's so final, that after this, that's it. I just feel like I'm limiting myself to something that ultimately, I may not want to do. Sometimes I think that maybe I should be doing something more conventional, more academic, because that's always been used to deter me.
To be honest, noone really wanted me to do this from the beginning; noone thought that me, the Dyspraxic of the family, should go into such a manual labour based industry. My mum had always told me I'd never be able to ride, and when I did pass my riding asessment she said she didn't think I'd pass it; I think that's the first time my determination ever showed through, the first time I said 'You know what, maybe people don't think I should be doing this, maybe people don't think I can do it- but you know what?, I'm sure as hell going to prove them wrong.'.
But now, my hearts just not in it. I've lost my drive. Once upon a time there was so much I wanted from life, all most too much for the time that I'll probably get,and I suppose I worry that one day, if I want that again, then I won't be in a position to go after it all. I guess I'm an all or nothing person.
I just don't know what I want anymore, infact- I don't think I want anything. Prehaps I do, but I just can't see it at the moment because I'm too blinded by everything else.
So earlier this evening I was talking to a friend of mine and weight & exercise came into the conversation, and totally without thinking I said quite possibly one of the most stupid things you could possibly say to someone, I had basically quoted a pro- ED affirmation. I'm fully aware of how it comes across and I think this may be the first time that the inner voice has actually outwardly expressed itself, and frankly- that scares the shit out of me. I'm fully aware of how it comes across and I think this may be the first time that the inner voice has actually outwardly expressed itself, and frankly- that scares the shit out of me. I don't want for my thoughts to influence others, so I'm going to have to work on censoring them.
Talking of things that scare the shit out of me, it's Easter next Sunday. In my house-hold we do an egg-hunt in the morning and divide them equally between the six of us, and then after that we're responsible for choosing what we do with them.And that's what scares me, that if I get hungry- food's there. I'm scared of what will happen if I lose control.
I have to be strong.
Mind over matter.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
13/2/2011
Today words mean nothing.
I feel as if my heart is being ripped from my chest and as if my wind-pipe is narrowing and I'm choking on every breath I take. I don't want to be here anymore.
Even the most basic of tasks are proving too much, but in some respects they're easier than ever, because they seem subconcious.
Tomorrow I'll pretend to be okay, not even intentionally; I just have some preoccupation with maintaining a strong deamour to the extent that I no longer have to try. Sometimes I think I must be so see through, but still noone seems to notice. It's fine, I don't want them to.
I've got a back-log of work from November; I know I should be doing it now instead of complaining about it and blogging, but honestly, I am finding it incredibly hard to care. I have wanted this for the past four years, yet now it's become a possibility, I just don't want it. Infact, it's not that I don't want it- I want to want this. I really do. But I can't.
I don't intentionally leave work till the last minute; I'll meticulously plan for weeks on end until I have established the content and the structure I want to run with, but when it comes to writing, I just can't do it. It's like I know what to do and how to do it, but I physically can't. And I wish I could.
Today, I am so ready to give it all up.
I feel as if my heart is being ripped from my chest and as if my wind-pipe is narrowing and I'm choking on every breath I take. I don't want to be here anymore.
Even the most basic of tasks are proving too much, but in some respects they're easier than ever, because they seem subconcious.
Tomorrow I'll pretend to be okay, not even intentionally; I just have some preoccupation with maintaining a strong deamour to the extent that I no longer have to try. Sometimes I think I must be so see through, but still noone seems to notice. It's fine, I don't want them to.
I've got a back-log of work from November; I know I should be doing it now instead of complaining about it and blogging, but honestly, I am finding it incredibly hard to care. I have wanted this for the past four years, yet now it's become a possibility, I just don't want it. Infact, it's not that I don't want it- I want to want this. I really do. But I can't.
I don't intentionally leave work till the last minute; I'll meticulously plan for weeks on end until I have established the content and the structure I want to run with, but when it comes to writing, I just can't do it. It's like I know what to do and how to do it, but I physically can't. And I wish I could.
Today, I am so ready to give it all up.
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
100 secrets- work in progress
1) Spontaneity scares me.
2) I hate praise.
3) I give critism more easily than I take it.
4) I feel vulnerable all the time and have a fear of going out.
5) I'll do almost anything to avoid social situations.
6) My grandad is the only relation I look up to and has made me feel worth something.
7) Sometimes I can't read my own writing.
8) Words mean more to me than actions.
9) I find it hard to tell when people are joking.
10) I worry about my little brother all the time he's at school.
11) I find it hard to adjust to change.
12) Although I ride horses, I am terrified of falling off.
13) There is noone who I trust completly.
14) I avoid taking risks.
15)I try and avoid confrontation, but it doesn't scare me.
16) I've always hated numbers, but they've taught me my value.
17) I find it difficult to make decisions, no matter how mundane.
18) What people percieve to be the most trivial matters are the ones that matter most to me.
19) I don't forgive people easily.
20) Marketing and horses are the only two things I have had a countinued passion for.
21) I get my mum to buy me celery to make me feel she's supporting mewith my eating disorder.
22)I can relate business terms and concepts to life in a philoshophical way.
23) Although she's a horse, Biscuit has possibly played one of the most significant roles in my life.
24) Because of my Dyspraxia I feel like my mind and body work completly independently.
25) I've always thought I shouldn't achieve high grades because my sister is more academic than me, and it will only increase the expectations people have for her- and I don't want her to have to deal with that pressure.
26) I've wanted to go into equine behaviour for the past four years, but I don't agree with the techniques used by the more appraised N.H practioners (such as Pat and Linda Parelli & Monty Roberts).
27) I am an Atheist, but sometimes I wish I believed there is a God so I'd have faith in something when I was doubting everything else.
28) I do not feel as if I have achieved anything in my life.
29) People percieve me as being an organised person who has everything under control, they couldn't be further from the truth.
30) I was stillborn and resasitated; everyday I wonder if there was a reason I survived.
31) I feel closer to my best friends mum than I do my own.
32) I find great satisfaction in people making mistakes. I hate myself for this.
33) I was once told to write a list of things that made me happy, it only had three things on it and it took me about two hours and fifteen minutes.
34) If I stare at my reflection for long enough, I can convince myself I don't exist and find great contentment in doing so.
35) I have lost hope in ever being genuinely optimistic again.
36) I have never felt pretty.
37) I would hate to be close to my parents.
38) I have made attempts on my sisters life; two of which resulted in medical complications.
39) I have two facebook's; one where I have to pretend to be okay, and the other where I don't have to.
40) I've always said I would never talk to random people on the internet, truth is, I feel some of them understand me better than those who 'know' me in person.
41)Loosing my closest friends was the best and worst thing that's happened to me.
42) I spend a lot of time advocating recovery, when really I'm not sure if I want it and regularly look at thinspiration.
43) Sometimes I pretend not to take hints because I don't want to seem presumptuous.
44) I have an incredibly analytical mind-set.
45) I am very concise in both my writing and my speech.
46)I hate having my photo taken, but I'm scared that will mean when I'm older I'll have nothing to remember the past by.
47) I can stare at myself in the mirror for hours on end, it's not vanity; I sit there and critise every aspect of my being.
48) I don't believe I'd ever felt any kind of love for someone until I met my brother Oli.
49) I'd rather be thin than alive.
50) It annoys me that my sister wears make-up because she's so pretty anyway, and I'm not, yet I don't bother.
51)I want to be so ill I have to be put on a feeding tube.
52) It was my fault I was sexually assualted.
53) If my mum read my blog, she might finally realise I need help.
54) I bite myself and pull my hair when I get angry.
55) I'm scared that I'll end up being like my mum.
56) I don't understand why my mum and dad are together. Sometimes I'm not sure that they do either.
57) I am scared of moths and butterflies.
58) I once cried because I wanted a digestive biscuit so badly.
59) Everytime a train goes past, I get the immense urge to throw myself under it.
60)My parents tell me I have no grasp on the concept of the worth of money, truth is- I don't because I don't think money is important.
61) I can't imagine my brother, Oli, grown up.
62) I don't feel I deserve to live. I don't feel I deserve the freedom of dying either.
63) Sometimes, I need people to see through my lies.
64) I'm too proud to accept help.
65) When I see people eat, I think they're weak.
66) I don't feel like myself when I wear make-up.
67) I find little value in tangiable things.
68) I didn't learn to ride a bike without stablisers until the age of 14.
69) I button things from the bottom upwards because it makes me less likely to do it wrong (Dyspraxia related).
70)I have always quite liked the idea of being either a glamour or underwear model.
71) I think I might be a compulsive hoarder.
72) Loading/unloading the dishwasher is prehaps one of the most emotionally and mentally testing household chores you could ask me to do.
73) I don't feel capable of anything.
74) I see optimism as cliche.
75) The optimism of others intimidates me.
76) Breaking rules terrifies me.
2) I hate praise.
3) I give critism more easily than I take it.
4) I feel vulnerable all the time and have a fear of going out.
5) I'll do almost anything to avoid social situations.
6) My grandad is the only relation I look up to and has made me feel worth something.
7) Sometimes I can't read my own writing.
8) Words mean more to me than actions.
9) I find it hard to tell when people are joking.
10) I worry about my little brother all the time he's at school.
11) I find it hard to adjust to change.
12) Although I ride horses, I am terrified of falling off.
13) There is noone who I trust completly.
14) I avoid taking risks.
15)I try and avoid confrontation, but it doesn't scare me.
16) I've always hated numbers, but they've taught me my value.
17) I find it difficult to make decisions, no matter how mundane.
18) What people percieve to be the most trivial matters are the ones that matter most to me.
19) I don't forgive people easily.
20) Marketing and horses are the only two things I have had a countinued passion for.
21) I get my mum to buy me celery to make me feel she's supporting me
22)I can relate business terms and concepts to life in a philoshophical way.
23) Although she's a horse, Biscuit has possibly played one of the most significant roles in my life.
24) Because of my Dyspraxia I feel like my mind and body work completly independently.
25) I've always thought I shouldn't achieve high grades because my sister is more academic than me, and it will only increase the expectations people have for her- and I don't want her to have to deal with that pressure.
26) I've wanted to go into equine behaviour for the past four years, but I don't agree with the techniques used by the more appraised N.H practioners (such as Pat and Linda Parelli & Monty Roberts).
27) I am an Atheist, but sometimes I wish I believed there is a God so I'd have faith in something when I was doubting everything else.
28) I do not feel as if I have achieved anything in my life.
29) People percieve me as being an organised person who has everything under control, they couldn't be further from the truth.
30) I was stillborn and resasitated; everyday I wonder if there was a reason I survived.
31) I feel closer to my best friends mum than I do my own.
32) I find great satisfaction in people making mistakes. I hate myself for this.
33) I was once told to write a list of things that made me happy, it only had three things on it and it took me about two hours and fifteen minutes.
34) If I stare at my reflection for long enough, I can convince myself I don't exist and find great contentment in doing so.
35) I have lost hope in ever being genuinely optimistic again.
36) I have never felt pretty.
37) I would hate to be close to my parents.
38) I have made attempts on my sisters life; two of which resulted in medical complications.
39) I have two facebook's; one where I have to pretend to be okay, and the other where I don't have to.
40) I've always said I would never talk to random people on the internet, truth is, I feel some of them understand me better than those who 'know' me in person.
41)Loosing my closest friends was the best and worst thing that's happened to me.
42) I spend a lot of time advocating recovery, when really I'm not sure if I want it and regularly look at thinspiration.
43) Sometimes I pretend not to take hints because I don't want to seem presumptuous.
44) I have an incredibly analytical mind-set.
45) I am very concise in both my writing and my speech.
46)I hate having my photo taken, but I'm scared that will mean when I'm older I'll have nothing to remember the past by.
47) I can stare at myself in the mirror for hours on end, it's not vanity; I sit there and critise every aspect of my being.
48) I don't believe I'd ever felt any kind of love for someone until I met my brother Oli.
49) I'd rather be thin than alive.
50) It annoys me that my sister wears make-up because she's so pretty anyway, and I'm not, yet I don't bother.
51)I want to be so ill I have to be put on a feeding tube.
52) It was my fault I was sexually assualted.
53) If my mum read my blog, she might finally realise I need help.
54) I bite myself and pull my hair when I get angry.
55) I'm scared that I'll end up being like my mum.
56) I don't understand why my mum and dad are together. Sometimes I'm not sure that they do either.
57) I am scared of moths and butterflies.
58) I once cried because I wanted a digestive biscuit so badly.
59) Everytime a train goes past, I get the immense urge to throw myself under it.
60)My parents tell me I have no grasp on the concept of the worth of money, truth is- I don't because I don't think money is important.
61) I can't imagine my brother, Oli, grown up.
62) I don't feel I deserve to live. I don't feel I deserve the freedom of dying either.
63) Sometimes, I need people to see through my lies.
64) I'm too proud to accept help.
65) When I see people eat, I think they're weak.
66) I don't feel like myself when I wear make-up.
67) I find little value in tangiable things.
68) I didn't learn to ride a bike without stablisers until the age of 14.
69) I button things from the bottom upwards because it makes me less likely to do it wrong (Dyspraxia related).
70)I have always quite liked the idea of being either a glamour or underwear model.
71) I think I might be a compulsive hoarder.
72) Loading/unloading the dishwasher is prehaps one of the most emotionally and mentally testing household chores you could ask me to do.
73) I don't feel capable of anything.
74) I see optimism as cliche.
75) The optimism of others intimidates me.
76) Breaking rules terrifies me.
Monday, 17 January 2011
17/1/2011
So lately it seems my insanity is becoming all too much to bare; that every day is one of 'those' days. I'm not sure I believe in anything I feel anymore, because its become so hard to tell what's real and what's just a figurement of my imagination.
Slowly I'm loosing all concept of right or reason, and this time I don't think I'm going to get it back. I've lost the will to lose.
On the plus side, at college I had a jump lesson today on a horse that prior to the lesson, practically pinned me to the wall and repetivley attempted to kick me, whom I am not that confident on due to my inability to handle his 'quirks'. Anyhow, so today we were doing grid work which is basically a series of jumps with only short strides inbetween so you have to sit up and be ready to take off again quite quickly, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't bricking it- because I am prehaps the most unbalanced person this side of the hemisphere,Oscar has a pretty early take off and I had never been over jumps of that height before. Never a good combination.
So there I am on Oscar with this grid in front of me feeling very aprehensive about going over it, to the point I nearly cried; but that's when I realised, when we don't face something, we reinforce our fear of it. So I went over it once and was going to leave it at that, and instead of saying no when my instructor asked if I wanted to go again, I said 'Not really, but I will'
Enough of my aimless rambling, tomorrow is another day.
So this was the jump I was scared about doing...
and this is just a small cross pole, so small infact it looks like the poles are touching the floor :L
Slowly I'm loosing all concept of right or reason, and this time I don't think I'm going to get it back. I've lost the will to lose.
On the plus side, at college I had a jump lesson today on a horse that prior to the lesson, practically pinned me to the wall and repetivley attempted to kick me, whom I am not that confident on due to my inability to handle his 'quirks'. Anyhow, so today we were doing grid work which is basically a series of jumps with only short strides inbetween so you have to sit up and be ready to take off again quite quickly, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't bricking it- because I am prehaps the most unbalanced person this side of the hemisphere,Oscar has a pretty early take off and I had never been over jumps of that height before. Never a good combination.
So there I am on Oscar with this grid in front of me feeling very aprehensive about going over it, to the point I nearly cried; but that's when I realised, when we don't face something, we reinforce our fear of it. So I went over it once and was going to leave it at that, and instead of saying no when my instructor asked if I wanted to go again, I said 'Not really, but I will'
Enough of my aimless rambling, tomorrow is another day.
So this was the jump I was scared about doing...
Thursday, 30 December 2010
31/12/2010
So I decided to take a break from blogging for a while, but now the pull has become too much and I have returned :)
Lately I have lacked the words to compose anything worthy of posting, so instead of a usual blog post, today I shall post a letter that I have written to my school deputy head teacher as a thankyou for all she has done for me in the past year. Within this letter you will notice lines from my previous blog postings; I have included these as I have no other way to verbalise how I feel, so it may seem a little like you're reading the same thing again, which I apologise for. The name of the person I have written this letter to has been abbreviated to their intials for privacy reasons, and I have also taken out the name of my school and any numbers related to weight.
Dear C.S,
It’s been almost six months now since I left school, but I still feel compelled to write this letter.
Over the past year so much has happened, and it has always been you who has been there to pull me away from the edge when everything else willed me towards it;
On Christmas day 2010 it was one year exactly since mum suspected I was purging and I denied it, so I decided, as a test to myself, I’d attempt to keep Christmas dinner down, because no matter how bad this mentality would make me feel after, ultimately, it would put me one up on last year. And for the first time in three years, I did it, and amid all the shame, I felt an inkling of pride.
I tried so hard to cling onto the remnants of hope I’d always believed had been diminished, but the harder I fought, the stronger the disorder fought back, and yet again- I was back at square one; not knowing whether I wanted recovery or not. I felt so guilty for letting go of that pride you taught me to strive for, and that was my turning point; I realised that there is so much more beyond this, and that for so long I had been blinded.
For the first time in a long time, I’ve regained my aspirations; I’m going to apply myself to college 100%. I’m determined to make light from this; I intend to go on to study Psychology, and eventually have my own equine-therapy based eating disorder inpatient facility. It all seems so far away right now, but I’ll get there.From now on I’m going to be brutally honest about what happened, who I am, where I want to be and what I need to get there.
There’s still a very strong part of me that wants to get down to ** lbs, and I don’t know if that part of me will ever completely disappear; the part that wants my unworthiness to be worth noticing.I guess in a way, I don’t feel ‘ill’ enough to constitute the word recovery; that until I’m clinically emaciated, I’ve nothing to recover from. But people define recovery in different ways, and I’m not yet sure what mine is. Maybe I’m not ready for recovery, but I’m not going to wait around on the off chance that someday everything will fall into place and I’ll feel completely prepared, because if I waited until I was, it’s highly probable I’d be waiting forever.
Recently I’ve started physiotherapy as my patella bone doesn’t interlink with the other parts of my knee properly, causing the knee cap to dislocate at random intervals. It frustrates me sometimes because I know I can’t exercise as much as I used to if I want it to heal properly, but in truth, the only reason I’m waiting for it to heal now is so I won’t be put out of action for even longer and therefore be unable to exercise for a longer duration of time. I know that sounds like everything I said previously meant nothing, but maybe this came at the right time, because your body always knows when to stop even if your mind doesn’t- it’s just a case of knowing which one to listen to.
I guess the concept of being ‘well’ scares me; I hate it when people say I look well. I don’t feel well. To me ‘well’ means healthy in terms of physique and mentality, yet people judge how well (or not) you are on the basis of appearance alone. It reminds me that from society’s point of view our worth is judged on an exterior level.
This letter probably seems very muddled. It is. But right now, so am I; it’s not so much a case of wanting to recover at the moment, it’s more beginning to make the choice to do so.
This year I’m going to get the n.e.d.a recovery symbol tattooed on my hip with the words ‘I can’ next to it. I feel it will encourage me to keep going, and in the future it will remind me of the struggle I endured in a positive sense, as I will be able to look back and realise how strong it made me.
I’ve always felt that this defines me-so strong in my weakness, so in control in my lack of control-, and that without it, I’ll have nothing left. But I’m fed up of merely existing; I’m going to start living.
I’m going to get my spark back and finish what you begun for me.
Lately I have lacked the words to compose anything worthy of posting, so instead of a usual blog post, today I shall post a letter that I have written to my school deputy head teacher as a thankyou for all she has done for me in the past year. Within this letter you will notice lines from my previous blog postings; I have included these as I have no other way to verbalise how I feel, so it may seem a little like you're reading the same thing again, which I apologise for. The name of the person I have written this letter to has been abbreviated to their intials for privacy reasons, and I have also taken out the name of my school and any numbers related to weight.
Dear C.S,
It’s been almost six months now since I left school, but I still feel compelled to write this letter.
Over the past year so much has happened, and it has always been you who has been there to pull me away from the edge when everything else willed me towards it;
On Christmas day 2010 it was one year exactly since mum suspected I was purging and I denied it, so I decided, as a test to myself, I’d attempt to keep Christmas dinner down, because no matter how bad this mentality would make me feel after, ultimately, it would put me one up on last year. And for the first time in three years, I did it, and amid all the shame, I felt an inkling of pride.
I tried so hard to cling onto the remnants of hope I’d always believed had been diminished, but the harder I fought, the stronger the disorder fought back, and yet again- I was back at square one; not knowing whether I wanted recovery or not. I felt so guilty for letting go of that pride you taught me to strive for, and that was my turning point; I realised that there is so much more beyond this, and that for so long I had been blinded.
For the first time in a long time, I’ve regained my aspirations; I’m going to apply myself to college 100%. I’m determined to make light from this; I intend to go on to study Psychology, and eventually have my own equine-therapy based eating disorder inpatient facility. It all seems so far away right now, but I’ll get there.From now on I’m going to be brutally honest about what happened, who I am, where I want to be and what I need to get there.
There’s still a very strong part of me that wants to get down to ** lbs, and I don’t know if that part of me will ever completely disappear; the part that wants my unworthiness to be worth noticing.I guess in a way, I don’t feel ‘ill’ enough to constitute the word recovery; that until I’m clinically emaciated, I’ve nothing to recover from. But people define recovery in different ways, and I’m not yet sure what mine is. Maybe I’m not ready for recovery, but I’m not going to wait around on the off chance that someday everything will fall into place and I’ll feel completely prepared, because if I waited until I was, it’s highly probable I’d be waiting forever.
Recently I’ve started physiotherapy as my patella bone doesn’t interlink with the other parts of my knee properly, causing the knee cap to dislocate at random intervals. It frustrates me sometimes because I know I can’t exercise as much as I used to if I want it to heal properly, but in truth, the only reason I’m waiting for it to heal now is so I won’t be put out of action for even longer and therefore be unable to exercise for a longer duration of time. I know that sounds like everything I said previously meant nothing, but maybe this came at the right time, because your body always knows when to stop even if your mind doesn’t- it’s just a case of knowing which one to listen to.
I guess the concept of being ‘well’ scares me; I hate it when people say I look well. I don’t feel well. To me ‘well’ means healthy in terms of physique and mentality, yet people judge how well (or not) you are on the basis of appearance alone. It reminds me that from society’s point of view our worth is judged on an exterior level.
This letter probably seems very muddled. It is. But right now, so am I; it’s not so much a case of wanting to recover at the moment, it’s more beginning to make the choice to do so.
This year I’m going to get the n.e.d.a recovery symbol tattooed on my hip with the words ‘I can’ next to it. I feel it will encourage me to keep going, and in the future it will remind me of the struggle I endured in a positive sense, as I will be able to look back and realise how strong it made me.
I’ve always felt that this defines me-so strong in my weakness, so in control in my lack of control-, and that without it, I’ll have nothing left. But I’m fed up of merely existing; I’m going to start living.
I’m going to get my spark back and finish what you begun for me.
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